The 7 Most Outlandish Candidates To Ever Run For President Of The United States
Everyone from Larry Flynt to Hulk Hogan has tried to run for President over the years, but usually the truly ridiculous candidates get weeded out before the actual election. Usually.
Of course, as we have all recently seen, sometimes the occasional, uh, mistake gets through the process and ends up on the final ballot. Now, for the most part, these usually end up being fringe third-party candidates who get, like, 82 votes from their friends and fellow crackpots. Again, usually.
And so as you ponder just how we reached the point that a Kardashian level parasite ended up running for President on a major party’s ticket, take a moment to reflect on these poor souls, the seven most ridiculous presidential candidates to ever make the final ballot.
Look, Strom Thurmond’s politics are one thing. I’m not here to bag on that. Well, not entirely anyway. What takes him from ordinary old racist crackpot to sublimely ridiculous and worthy of a spot on this illustrious list is his almost unbelievable hypocrisy.
You see, even though ol’ Strom made his name as a vigorous defender of state’s rights (which, as we know, is usually code for, uh, something else) even running on the States’ Rights Party ticket way back in 1948, and is on record as saying “all the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, into our schools, our churches and our places of recreation and amusement” (whew), Strom Thurmond wasn’t above taking a “negro” into his ultimate place of recreation and amusement, and by that I mean his bed.
Hypocritical? Yes. But that’s only the beginning. It turns out that the girl that Strom Thurmond boned was only 16-years-old, worked for his family, and ended up pregnant with his child, a little girl.
So, Strom Thurmond knocked up some jailbait, found himself the father of an African-American daughter, and spent his entire life vigorously defending segregation to the point where he is possibly the most famous (infamous?) segregationist of the 20th century. And his little girl had to grow up knowing that this was her father, and that if it were up to him she wouldn’t even be allowed to eat in the same restaurant as him. Just… goddamn.
John Hagelin ran for President in 1992, 1996 and 2000 for the Natural Law Party, and I guess they thought the crazy person vote would take them to new heights (hint: it didn’t) because I don’t know how else you explain John Hagelin getting anywhere near the final ballot.
Hagelin is actually a particle physicist, which means he’s probably technically a genius. Unfortunately, he’s also fucking crazy. That’s because his work as a physicist somehow led him to conclude that the secret key to unlocking all of the universe’s mysteries – and to solving the problems facing America – could only be found in Transcendental Meditation, also known as TM, which is based on the teachings of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, also known as that guy on the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s album cover.
All of this is, of course, nuts. Basically, Hagelin thinks that if you just meditate, you can stop wars and poverty and memes or whatever, which is something even the Beatles realized was bullshit back in the day. I mean, if even Ringo Starr can see through that shit, you would think a fucking particle physicist could figure it out. But, no. And somehow, this dude managed to run for President three times.
Cynthia McKinney, the 2008 Green Party candidate for President, is perhaps best known for that time she was arrested for assaulting a police officer, just like Lincoln. Wait…
That is enough on its own to at least get an honorable mention here, but there’s more because of course there is. McKinney’s pet cause seems to be going after the CIA for assassinating various black public figures like Martin Luther King, Jr. and, uh, Tupac. Yeah. She also accused Al Gore of having a low “negro tolerance level”, introduced articles of impeachment against George W. Bush and, naturally, suggested that members of the Bush administration should be charged with negligent homicide because of Hurricane Katrina.
Oh yeah, she is also a 9/11 truther. Basically, it’s an entire career of grandstanding ridiculousness. Hell, I’m surprised she hasn’t made a big fuss over finding the “real killers” alongside OJ Simpson.
Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party’s candidate for President in 2008, would be like every other small party candidate who no one remembers if it wasn’t for one thing, or should I say one quote: “The South was right in the War between the States.”
Remember, this was a dude running in 2008, not 1868. He also thinks the FDA is unconstitutional, that the Department of Education should be disbanded and that militia groups are A-OK (he said this in 1995, by the way, which if you’ll remember was the same time that noted militiamen Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh were blowing up buildings in Oklahoma City.) I mean, there’s conservative, and then there’s whatever the fuck this kind of shit is.
He’s also a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan. I rest my case.