Nature Is An Asshole: Spider Has Sex, Then Chews Off Own Genitals


When a coin spider busts a nut, he literally busts a nut.

As if spiders couldn’t get any creepier and alien-like, there’s this tragic and bizarre behavior of the male coin spider. The coin spider finds a mate and then has sex with it. However once he shoots his load he then chews off his lil spider dick.

I’ll let the professionals explain because I’m too immature and not comfortable with anyone’s weiner getting bitten off:

First it must mate successfully with a female four times its size that would prefer to eat it than have its babies. Then, the male must do everything possible to keep eager rivals away from the impregnated female. In the macabre world of spider sex, this means self-emasculation.

That’s right: coin spiders voluntarily bite off their own genitals. This habit, practiced by around 30 spider species, is not the most obvious way to improve sexual performance. But according to Matjaž Kuntner from the Slovenian Academy of Sciences and Arts, eunuchs have an advantage over their intact neighbors.

For one thing, coin spiders only produce enough sperm for a single sexual adventure in their lifetime. So getting rid of the extra baggage – the two sperm-transferring organs known as palps, which can make up around a tenth of their body weight – after one use makes them leaner, meaner and better suited to holding off the advances of competing males.

AGGHHH! You’re having only one fuck sesh in your entire lifetime, and then if that wasn’t bad enough, you have to gnaw off your own nads afterwards. Talk about performance pressure.

On a side note, the word “self-emasculation” might be the scariest word I’ve ever heard.

Thought it couldn’t get any worse? Well it does. The female spider, which is four times the size of the male, often tries to eat the male. Thanks a lot Mother Nature. Fuck that noise, I’ll just sit over here and masturbate.

The study also discovered that spiders that were lacking one or both sperm organs after mating were far more feisty than the rival males. Well no shit. You’d be a little hot-under-the-collar too if you chomped off your own cock.

And you thought having to cuddle after sex was asking too much.