Cocaine-Loving NYC Investment Banker’s Divorce Papers Reads Like ‘Wolf Of Wall Street’ IRL

If you’re a person like myself, you watched The Wolf Of Wall Street last year and were like “Damn!” no one actually lives like this, right? All that quaalude-popping and cocaine-snorting off a stripper’s ass while being fantastically rich out of your mind is the sort of thing that comes from a Hunter S. Thompson fever dream, not someone’s real life, right? Sure, the tale of Jordan Belfort is a real one, but it stops and starts with him and doesn’t extend to other money managing lunatics in NYC’s finance world… Right? 


Investment banker Sage Kelly — who pulls in a $7 million a year salary as the “global head of health care investment banking at Jeffries” — is undergoing a nasty divorce with his wife, Christina Di Mauro Kelly. The homemaker — who was popped for a DUI in 2010 — is making some pretty damning allegations about the behavior of her investment bank husband. It reads like an alternative script to Wolf Of Wall Street. 

Let’s start with the allegations from his wife that he comes home so wasted that he can’t tell the difference between his bedroom and his bathroom, causing him to urinate and defecate all over the place. Via the New York Daily News

High-flying hubby Sage Kelly, after drug and alcohol binges, urinated and defecated in the bed and on the floor at the couple’s homes on Park Ave. and in Sag Harbor, L.I., estranged spouse Christina Di Mauro Kelly alleged in legal documents.

More salacious details spilled forth Thursday in the bitter split of the $7 million-a-year executive and his wacky wife, including charges of wife-swapping, boozy car wrecks and rampant drug abuse.

The couple’s eldest daughter once had to clean up her father’s excrement after a doorman at their posh Fifth Ave. home carried the blasted banker to his bed, according to the wife’s court documents

So what was the sex like? Well it wasn’t possible unless the couple was high on cocaine. Via the Daily News:  

Christina Kelly, 38, charges in court papers that she never used cocaine until she met her husband-to-be, and he refused to have sex with her unless they were snorting coke. She also detailed a wild night of wife-swapping at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston where drinking and drug use led to the foursome.

Christina Kelly recounted a marriage where her husband was closer to his trusted drug dealer than to her. She detailed a staggering drug intake that included cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, ketamine, Molly and magic mushrooms.

OK, stop there for a second. We need to hear more about said cocaine wifeswapping incident at the Ritz-Carlton. Here’s the official court documents via Gawker

And then she narc’d on his friends. Via the Daily News

She also identified in court papers 20 of her husband’s friends, including many fellow brokers, who she claimed regularly joined in his drug-taking escapades.

And boy, do they like their drugs! 

The older daughter once ended up sticking her finger into a bag of cocaine left on a pool table at their summer home, with the horrified mom rushing to stop any ingestion, the court papers charged.

The wife claimed Kelly once became so “discombobulated and depressed” while using ketamine that he wound up “desperately clinging to (their daughter) for several hours.”

For the sake of the kids, let’s hope they get their shit together. 

[H/T: Gawker]