An Official Petition To Have The Bengals Change Their Name To The ‘Cincinnati Harambes’ Has Surfaced


I’m going to be honest, the entire Harambe thing has been making my mind do fucking somersaults. I never imagined that a dead gorilla would create this societal vacuum that could only be filled by people making jokes about how much we missed said gorilla. I wasn’t even aware that zoos named gorillas. I thought they just referred to them by like numbers and/or outstanding physical attributes. “Ok, here comes Gorilla One. Here comes Gorilla With No Left Thumb. Here comes the one with white hair on his head aka Silver Fox Gorilla.” It’s like when a homeless person freezes to death on the streets and all of the sudden everyone gets all up in arms. “Oh no!! Jerry the Hobo was frozen deeper than a leg of lamb in my grandmother’s freezer. We need to make changes.” No one would care if we had just referred to Jerry the Hobo as That Now Dead Hobo. When you start naming dead things, everything gets out of hand.

And this Harambe things is getting out of fucking hand. Look, I’m not going to sit here and say I’m not enjoying it. The #DicksOutForHarambe movement is one of my favorite attempts for overall societal change ever, but that’s not say that I don’t think that we’re projecting our own feelings of failure onto the memory of this dead ape in order to try and make up for the fact that we as humanity put a bullet in his brain. I’m guilty of it too. Which is why I signed this petition to have the Cincinnati Bengals change their name to the Cincinnati Harambes.

As the petition reads:

“The Cleveland Browns named their team after a former Coach who made a great impact on their city so why cant the Bengals do it as well in honor of a hero who made an impact on their city too! #DicksoutforHarambe”

I can’t argue with that logic. A dead coach and a dead ape are pretty much interchangeable at a certain point. And, even if you don’t agree with that statement, 8,155 people do, as that’s how many have signed the petition. With a goal of 10,000, it seems as if the goal is incredibly achievable, though not sure how in the holy house of high fuck this will translate to the Bengals actually going for this. The petition, however, does also have plenty of vocal support as well.


Then things got religious.


And finally, things got political.


Really, I think this is proof that you made it. Everyone wants to be immortalized in some way, shape or form. Some author once said in a book I had read for high school that life is only meant to last long enough in order to create something that lives forever. Harambe’s life was cut short, but it seems as if his memory will never die. I think the only logical next step is name a stadium sandwich after him. Doesn’t even matter what’s on the sandwich. We could name it the HAraMbe and just have it be a ham sandwich. That could work. I’d pay for that. Just like I donated $5 to have the Bengals change their names to the Harambes. After all, it’s just money.

NEXT: Zoogoer Shows Gorilla Pictures of Other Gorillas