Unsurprisingly, Apparently Parents Spend All Summer Having Drug-Fueled Orgies When The Kids Are At Sleepaway Camp

I love hearing about old people boning. You’re never too old to whip it out and empty your balls into someone. I don’t care what anyone else says. The best way to maintain your youth is by doing a bedroom cardio/sexy time yoga. Sticking your mini-me into a chick’s meat sleeve is guaranteed to take ten years off your life. I read that somewhere.

That being said, I’m a little shocked by how open these parents are about how much they copulate during the summer months when they’re kids to go sleepaway camp. That and the drugs.

Via New York Post:

“When Elle, 39, and her husband dropped off their 9-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter at camp three weeks ago, the Long Island parents were only too happy to wave goodbye to their kids for several weeks. Later that day they boarded a party bus with 30 friends and plenty of booze to go see Dead & Company at Citi Field.

“As soon as [our children] left, we’ve been in nonstop [party] mode — it’s seven weeks of freedom,” says Elle, a fitness instructor whose two kids are away for the first summer ever, leaving her to enjoy parties with pot, magic mushrooms, ecstasy and group sex.

“This is the first time in nine years I’m not having to be a mom — I want no responsibility,” says Elle, who, like many in this story, declined to give her last name for privacy reasons. “Some friends have swingers parties — I’ve seen group sex . . . It’s no pressure, go with the flow. It’s summer.””

Side note: I kind of hope that everyone else reading this also is picturing Reese Witherspoon’s Elle Woods from Legally Blond partying her face off.

““When you know your children are happy and safe, you can let loose,” says Melanie, 38, a Long Island mom who shipped off her 12-year-old and 10-year-old a few weeks ago. It’s her second kid-free summer, and she and her husband wasted no time popping bottles.

“We took the boat to a bar and literally spent all Sunday afternoon drinking,” says the VP of a fashion company. Other exploits have included a night out on Fire Island with girlfriends, where they closed down the bar at 5 a.m. And the best is yet to come, she says, noting one set of parents who host an epic bash every year.

“The couple goes all out — with naked girls and midgets,” she says.”

Congrats lady, you went to a bar and stayed late. What a time to be alive. Also, if I’m being honest, I’m very bitter I didn’t catch an invite to the naked girl and midget party. That’s something I literally don’t need to know anything else about and I know without a doubt that I’d be down to get fully involved.

“For parents who had children at a relatively young age, having the kids away at camp helps them make up for lost time.

“It’s your second chance if you didn’t get to do things when you were younger,” says Lori Zaslow, 39, a relationship expert and co-founder of matchmaking service Project Soulmate. “There’s a price you pay to have a life being a parent. I can do whatever the f – – k I want, and I will. I’m not going to waste a minute.”

The relationship guru makes a suggestion: “This is the time to have sex in the kids’ bedroom and have fun!”

She’s typically quite modest when her kids are around, but all that changes when they leave.

“I can dress more promiscuous — I’m literally going to put on my tightest dresses,” she says. “I’ve never worn a bikini in front of them — I don’t want to be too exposed. Now I’ll be walking around naked.””

Welp, now I’m picturing my parents doing it in my twin bed.

“That’s not the case for Tara, 44, a mom of two pre-teen girls, and her husband. The couple uses their child-free time to really reconnect with each other.

“First rule is, clothes come off when you get in the house,” says the fashion executive, who also lives on the Upper East Side. “The kids are out of the house — and you want to have sex every day. It’s the fun of being able to do it — it’s a game.”

She and her husband also enjoy regular “Playboy party” dinners with their friends: The women don as little as possible and the men dress like Hugh Hefner. Or there’s “tennis and tequila” at the club.

“It feels like we’re kids at an adult camp — we’ve earned it,” she says. “We’re great parents, but sometimes kids need a break from their parents, and parents need a break from kids.””

“We’re really good parents, we swear. We just also like drinking too much and having sex with other people’s spouses.” Honestly, I’m willing to assume my parents party like this if it means I’ll get to when I get older. These dudes are rolling in pussy and all they have to do is let another dude bang their wife. Seems like a pretty fair trade to me. Especially after a few years of sleeping with the same person over and over and over again. It’s just a quick jumpstart in your relationship. Nothing worse than growing old and slowly watching your life pass you by. At lest naked midget parties await us all on the horizon that’s called middle age.