From our friends at Refinery 29 comes this harrowing but eventually uplifting tale of a woman who couldn’t get a man to … have sex with him?
“Zuhhhh?” you probably just exclaimed, unaware that situations wherein women couldn’t get men to fuck them even existed.
“How… why… did she try touching his dick when they were together?”
No, friends. No she didn’t. Instead, she consulted her glam squad, who gave her the only suggestion they knew couldn’t fail.
They told her to touch his dick.
Wait… they didn’t? Let’s dive in.
We were all standing in the kitchen/living room/dining room, drinking red wine out of Ikea glasses, when one woman started talking about a new man she was dating. They hadn’t slept together yet, and she wanted to move things along.
“Have you tried Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka?” another woman asked, taking a sip of her wine. The woman shook her head.
Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka. ComeFuckMePennealaVodka. Comefuckmepennealavodka.
What the fuck?
According to New York City lore, the ladies in the kitchen told me, Come Fuck Me Penne à la Vodka was a magical pasta dish that, when prepared EXACTLY ACCORDING TO THE RECIPE (they were very careful to say), made people putty in your hands. More specifically, in your bed. Desiring you like never before.
As a dude, I’ve never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever eaten a bowl of pasta someone’s given me and thought “I wanna fuck the person that made this.”
I’ve either wanted to have sex with the person before they made the pasta, or have not wanted to have sex with them, something no amount of quasi-Italian food could change.
Maybe I’m the outlier, because “It worked like magic.”
Let’s see the recipe.
Did you make him drink the 1/3 cup vodka? Because that the only possible thing I could see in this recipe that would qualify as an aphrodisiac. Otherwise, it’s a fairly standard pasta dish.
According to the writer who gave it a try upon learning it, the pasta was unstoppable.
It sounded ridiculous that a little vodka, shallots, and heavy cream would turn me into Sophia Loren. But it was worth a shot.
The first time I made it was for a guy I’d just started dating. You know when you have a headache, and you take an Advil LiquiGel, and then two seconds later, you’re like, Oh wow — my headache’s gone! The penne works that fast.
The second time was with a guy I had already slept with, but the post-Penne sex was 1,000 times better than any sex we’d had before, which was odd because it really is a heavy dish, and it kind of sits in your stomach.
I don’t know, (wo)man.
I can’t think it’s the pasta, but rather the proximity to a bedroom and just people generally liking having sex in the evenings.
That said, dudes, at least now you know if a girl ever serves you a heaping plate of a la vodka, you’re getting laid.