New Poll Shows Independent Candidate Snatching Hillary And Trump’s Votes, His Name Is Harambe The Dead Gorilla

The 2016 presidential election has not exactly provided the American public with overwhelmingly awe-inspiring candidates that are blowing the minds of potential voters. In fact, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the most unfavorable presidential candidates in the last 36 years by a wide, wide margin as reported by FiveThirtyEight.

However, there could be an independent presidential candidate that may turn the 2016 presidential race on its head. A new national survey from Public Policy Polling has some startling revelations about this upstart candidate.

Harambe, the 17-year-old Western lowland gorilla who was killed after a three-year-old boy climbed into a gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo, shows promise to become our next President of the United States based on these new polling numbers.

Now you may say that the dead gorilla only received 5 percent of the vote. However, Jill Stein, who is the Green Party’s nominee for President of the United States and sort of a legitimate candidate who spent real money on her presidential campaign is polling lower than the carcass. Not to mention that Gary Johnson, the Libertarian presidential candidate only beats the dead primate by one lousy percentage point.

I’m actually shocked by these results. I thought sure Harambe would have higher poll numbers. Let’s remember that Harambe did not vote for the Iraq War, Harambe did not disparage the parents of a slain U.S. soldier, Harambe did not set up his own email server which potentially had classified information while serving as secretary of state, and Harambe did not call for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. Harambe should easily capture at least 27 percent of the vote. I wouldn’t be surprised if Harambe was hurt by the #NeverApe movement or if the DNC secretly devised strategies with the help of the media to shape a negative opinion of the fallen gorilla.

All aboard the dead primate train! #ImWithHarambe


Of course, if the Harambe campaign gets stopped dead in its tracks, there’s always hope in the darkhorse candidate Hard To Open Pistachio.