I’m a 23-Year-Old Post Grad Virgin, What Am I Doing Wrong?

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Q: As embarrassed as I am to admit it, the truth is that I’m a 23 year old virgin, post college. Crazy, I know. I’ve hooked up with a few girls, been on a few dates but never anything past first base. It kills me to feel like I’m missing out on this incredibly basic part of life that seemingly everyone participates in. I feel like I’m so far behind that I’ll never catch up. Any advice on how to get me out of my rut?

A: Like I’ve said in the past, in situations like this you’ve gotta do some serious introspection. What are you doing — or for that matter, not doing — that’s causing you to fall so far behind in the sexual realm?Are you timid? Awkward? Pushy?Does your lack of confidence ooze from your pores like sweat?Do you smell like fried pork rinds (as a result of it)?

These are the questions to ask oneself.

I know it’s daunting, but don’t worry – there is ALWAYS time to catch up, and in order to do so, you’ll have to enlist one of my favorite pieces of advice: Fake it ’til you make it. If you’re unsure of yourself, don’t act like it. Play the game and see what happens.I guarantee it will yield better results than you’re getting right now.

Reach for the stars, my friend.

Q: My girlfriend’s ex boyfriend is still a large presence in her life. When we first started dating she lied about still being in contact with him because “I was being pushy,” and “She wasn’t ready to move on.” I’m on the verge of ending things completely unless he either leaves or takes some distance from her. Should I stay or should I go?

A: Another guy in your girl’s life indicates to me that she is not YOUR girl, especially if she’s boldfaced lying to you about the aforementioned other guy. Even worse is that after being caught in said lie she proceeded to insist on his continued presence. She has feelings for another dude. Not only is she manipulating the hell out of you, but frankly, you’re allowing it to happen.

Plus, you’re acting like a pussy. I don’t usually throw out such accusatory terms in times of vulnerability but seriously guy, man the fuck up. Sure, maybe you were a little “pushy” at the onset…but it sounds like she needed it. In no way is that grounds for her acting like a non-committal bitch.

Long story short, get the fuck outta there.

Q: What’s the lamest pet a guy could have from a girls perspective? A buddy of mine has a cat which I think is pretty out there but he still manages to do pretty well for himself.

A: I’m a general lover of animals so I tend to discriminate less than some girls based on what type it is. For example, a cat doesn’t really phase me. Cats are funny. As are dogs, hedgehogs, birds, rabbits…and most other household pets who are soft and don’t make a ton of mess or noise.

I do think, however, that some exceptions exist when narrowing down to type or breed.A guy with a tiny yippy dog — a la chihuahua — is a major turnoff. Every time I see a dude walking one on the streets of New York my immediate first thoughts are, “Wow. This motherfucker is pussy-whipped beyond helping,” which is probably true. Or, an even worse scenario is that he isn’t even getting sex in exchange for hanging out with this animal. He just owns it as a personal companion.

I also think any kind of permanently caged reptile, like a snake or a lizard, is pretty fucking creepy. They can’t bond or cuddle and thinking about them escaping and waking up in bed with one gives me anxiety.

Now go out and  get yourself a fluffy bunny.

Q: My girlfriend’s mom drives me absolutely crazy. She isn’t mean or a bad mother etc., but she is annoying as hell and hovers over our relationship.How do I get out from under this without damaging my relationship with my girlfriend? Thanks.

A: A wise woman who birthed me once said, “Your mama’s your mama, your daddy could be anybody.” Meaning, your girlfriend is stuck with this lady…and so are you.

This middle-aged mother is not going to change her ways for some young buck dating her daughter. In fact, she’s not going to change her ways for anyone, ever. Period.The best you can do is a slap a fucking smile on your face and do your best to schedule an out-of-town obligation for any time she comes to visit. Even if your girlfriend recognizes that her mother is batshit, it’s never cool for a significant other to comment openly and unprompted on the topic.When you come out of someone’s womb you hold that right, but otherwise you pretty much have to keep your mouth shut…for a while, at least.

If she’s a more frequent presence in your life, you gotta discover her sweet spots and play to that. Find out her favorite treat, movie, flower, dessert, etc—and schmooze her like you’re running for President.The last thing you need is a crazy person in your day-to-day who hates you and wants to make a point of it. Don’t do that to yourself. If you’re in this thing for the long haul, you just have to make it work.

Best of luck, son-in-law.

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