Nothing Will Make You Question Humanity More Than These Deluded Chicks Working As ‘Professional Mermaids’

by 4 years ago

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Remember that scene from Step Brothers where Dale Doback is like,

Yeah. This is the same thing, except somehow these chicks managed to ignore the “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job” part. Maybe they’re partially deaf and thought their parents were telling them to “Stop being a fucking human and get a job as a mermaid.” Either way, we’ve now brought ourselves one step closer to the apocalypse with this bullshit.

My unexplainable and irrational hatred for these girls is so intense I might need to take a lap around the block. I’ll give some exemption for the one from Arizona though, just because she’s like “Uh yeah I’m from Arizona and I get paid to flop around in a tank of water sooo….yeah why not?” The other two on the other hand, Jesus-crikey-fuck. What are they, 27? Early 30’s? It’s one thing to be like “Yeah I’m a mermaid. Cool.” It’s another to be like “I called my parents and said I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO BE A MERMAID WHEN I GREW UP, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING I’M A GODDAMN FISH!” Lady, you’re not a fucking mermaid. You’re just someone who’s creepily similar to the idiot cheerleader from Glee who happens to work at an aquarium.


But wait, it gets worse. These aren’t any regular “mermaids,” they’re also hookers.

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Or at least that’s the only explanation I have for those choices in makeup. It looks like she tripped and fell into a box of molten crayons. What I can only imagine is being offered solely as some sort of excuse, at one point Erin explains that “We’re definitely not the maked-up, pretty girls at the aquarium…to have our coworkers see us like this is a shocking change.” Really Erin? Because it’s not like you made that painfully obvious through the fact that none of you have any coherent idea of how to choose makeup that doesn’t make the lot of you look like a bunch of dirty pirate hookers. When I think of “mermaids,” I think of Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

little mermaid

Not…whatever this is.

I guess I should offer congratulations to them on getting their dream job, but with how obsessively creepy these girls are coming off as, I just can’t. So much “No” in just one little video.


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