A new pumpkin spice product hits the shelf every 3.8 seconds*. That’s a faster rate than fatalities during the Black Death. Does that make this the Orange Death?
Sorry for trivializing a 600+ year old pandemic, but it was the only way to truly show how out of control things have gotten. It was all well and good when it was just pumpkin pie around Thanksgiving. Then Starbucks put pumpkin spice lattes it in every woman’s hand and the rest of the coffee shops weren’t far behind. Now not only does Starbucks start serving them in March, the Orange Death is finding its way into products with which it has no business fraternizing. Here are just a few pieces of evidence that pumpkin spice has jumped the shark.
1. JIF Whipped Pumpkin Pie Spice Peanut Butter
In what world do pumpkin pie and peanut butter go together? And stop trying to be the next Nutella with this “whipped spread” shit.
2. Extra Pumpkin Spice Gum
Gross. Plain and simple. Bazooka Joe would never stand for this sort of nonsense.
3. Durex Pumpkin Spice Condoms
Sure they aren’t real, but I’ll bet you could get the most blowjobs if they were.
4. Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka
This one really shouldn’t be a surprise. Pinnacle is the king of ridiculous flavored vodka, with options like Cookie Dough and Cinnamon Roll.
5. Pumpkin Spice Oreo
I’ve had them, and they’re good, but why would I want a cookie that tastes like pumpkin pie? Pumpkin pie is already a dessert. A damn good one too.
6. Country Crock Pumpkin Spice
You know what I like my fake butter to taste like? Butter. I don’t need to be rubbing pumpkin on my head when it gets stuck between the banisters.
7. Thomas Pumpkin Spice Bagels & English Muffins
I’ve never once thought, you know this bagel needs? A little more nutmeg and ginger. Hell, I wouldn’t even use pumpkin spiced cream cheese.
8. Pumpkin Spiced M&Ms
The little anthropomorphic candies don’t have to worry about getting eaten at parties anymore because these sound terrible.
9. Chobani Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt
This one actually makes sense considering that 89% of the people who drink pumpkin spice lattes also eat greek yogurt.
10. Eggo Pumpkin Spice Waffles
Eggo was the last bastion of simple dude food, and then they went and made these. Is nothing sacred in this world?
*Completely made up.
Have you seen any other abominations? Let me know!