A Python Ate A Porcupine And Instantly Learns That When You Play Stupid Games, You Win Stupid Prizes

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At the risk of giving too much information, I remember one game as a Little Leaguer years back my teammate has a giant bag of sunflower seeds. I was unaware that you had to actually spit the seeds out and after three handfuls, I sat on the toilet wanting to die. I presume that is exactly what this python is feeling, except in his case, it’s like he has buttholes peppered across his entire body. One part of me has sympathy for this poor bastard as he sits there writhing in pain awaiting an inevitably agonizing death, but another part of me–a larger part–believes this idiot deserves actually what he got. This is Darwinism at work. It’s gruesome and unforgiving, but on a deeper level, it’s a goddamn beautiful sight.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.