Rob Gronkowski Released A Promo Video For His Party Cruise And My Penis And I Would Love To Attend

So Gronk’s throwing a massive cruise ship party from Miami to the Bahamas in February and if you’re not having sex the entire time then they reportedly throw you overboard. Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but they definitely make you wear a scarlet letter and throw water bottles and used condoms at you. That I can verify. Because I’m pretty sure going to a Gronk-hosted party with the intention of staying chaste is illegal. If not illegal, just down right foolish.

If I wasn’t struggling to pay April rent two months late, I would have purchased one of these tix yesterday. But if you’re more put together than I am and you can attend, for the love of God, get some ass. For me.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.