Russell Wilson And Ciara Want To Show You How In Love They Are With This Painful Instagram Video

“Babe, babe. Let’s show everyone how in love but also light-hearted and silly we are. No, no–that one wasn’t good. Let’s do it once more, I have a really funny Beyonce line I want to use at the end! Yes I think that’s the one–golly gosh are we weirdos. Can you help me pick a filter snicker doodle? What should the caption be? Do you think that’s quirky enough? Oh look! 11 likes!”

And suddenly I want to put a revolver to my brain.

This is complete sour grapes on my part. I know this. The cutesie video was lame, but not malicious. I just can’t help but hate Russell Wilson. And I have no business hating him–he seems like a stand-up guy who still calls his grandmother. But try as I may, I just cannot bring myself to respect someone who won’t have sex with their girlfriend, never mind one that looks like she was constructed in a bro lab. Not one person I associate with would do that. They would be mocked and ridiculed to the point that they turn on God to avoid another wedgie. I would literally chop my friend’s cock off, attach it to my body, and make love to his girlfriend using his yogurt slinger. If that’s wrong then I don’t want to be right.

Oh, and I’m a bit salty about him being a Super Bowl winning quarterback with millions of dollars, great hair and a lifelong partner that looks like this.

Cool dude, keep living your perfect life. I’ll just be over here hating you while silently wishing I was you.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.