Do me a favor.
Open up your most recent text message and click on the ‘Recently Used’ emoji list.
If a large, dong-shaped purple vegetable stares you in the face, congratulations, you’re a sexual deviant!
Quick show of hands: how many of you have seen an actual eggplant that wasn’t breaded like a chicken cutlet in real life? Anyone? Bueller? I sure as hell have not, but I have so many dick-shaped fruits in my ‘Recently Used’ emoji list that you’d think I was constantly craving a smoothie. (I have no idea if an eggplant is a fruit or vegetable, but for all intensive purposes, I consider it a meat.)
A new survey conducted by Match.com polled 5,000 users and found that “36 to 40 percent of people who think about sex several times a day use more than one emoji in every text,” according to Medical Daily.
Don’t use them little animated ideograms much? Well, don’t expect a text back from me, prude.
People who never think about sex said they used them less frequently. Most people who reported thinking about sex once a day said they use emojis, but not in every text. The group that used emojis the least was those who said they think about sex just once a month.
Further, if you aren’t #TeamEmoji, you’ll likely die cold, lonely and alone, according to Helen Fisher, who led the Match.com study.
“Emoji users don’t just have more sex, they go on more dates and they are two times more likely to get married.”
I think I’ll skip lunch today.