Unless you’re a skilled erotica writer, your sexts are always going to pale in comparison to the real life scenario. In fact, they’re going to pale to most things. Like her reading your ex’s inane tweets. Or watching Youtube videos of penguins. Maybe even camping, and only masochists like camping. The list goes on and on.
Even if the chick you’re sending these “fantasies” to is replying with grammatically correct sentences, 9 times out of 10 she’s multi-tasking while doing so, trying to placate you while making tuna salad for lunch the next day. For fuck’s sake she doesn’t even like tuna salad, but is trying to get better about bringing lunch to work since that drunken emotional Amazon shopping binge. Yet, she regrets nothing.
Rather than take her undivided attention away from tuna salad, here are some sexts women would actually like to receive. You may hate me for this truth bomb, but at least I’m martyring myself for a worthy cause.
“I’m at Trader Joe’s, do you want anything?”
“What are you talking about, you don’t need to lose weight”
**sends selfie from J. Crew** “Do you like this button-down?”
“I’m at the animal shelter, stop me from getting this miniature terrier”
“The vodka’s in the freezer”
“Put on a non-slutty dress, I got us a nice dinner reservation”
“I thought of a witty caption for your succulent instagram”
“Why would I mind taking outfit photos of you, we can’t disappoint your followers”
“I hired a maid with credit card points”
“I just realized something — your thighs are so much smaller than my ex’s”
**Sends selfie from barber** “I got my beard trimmed! Do you like it?”
“I just picked up a box of wine, let’s get wasted and bingewatch Mindy Project”
“Let’s check out the Hudson Valley this weekend, we can stay in a bed and breakfast and hit up some antique shops.”
“I refilled the ice cube trays”
“We’re going out to watch the game, the crew isn’t coming over. You have the place to yourself tonight.”
“What are you talking about, of course there’s no pre-nup”
“Even though the building was burning there was no way I couldn’t rush in and save that kitten.”
“I deleted Tinder”
“Of course I only go to Hooters for the wings.”
“Let’s skip the gym tonight.”
“Sorry you’re not feeling well, there’s half an order of my leftover General Tso’s chicken in the fridge if you want it.”
“Go ahead and buy that unnecessary and entirely impractical dress, you’ve had a shitty week. You deserve it.”
“LET’S GO OUT FOR FRO-YO”
In conclusion; stop sexting us, take us out for a drink, and get the damn thing IRL.