The 20 Stupid Stages You Go Through When Fighting With One Of Your Bros
Friendship is fostered by finding people who like-minded with yourself. You want to spend your time sharing your life with those people who have generally the same values and ideas and even more importantly, the same sense of humor as you. These are the people you feel you can share your deepest thoughts with unapologetically, because for the most part they’re going to back up your views. What’s better than people always agreeing with you, right?
Well, what happens when that system breaks down? What happens on the rare occurrence that a friend becomes a foe? You begin a long process of blame shifting leading up to the point of an unfortunate introspective epiphany.
STAGE 1: Generally disagree about something for the first time
This is strange. You two are friends. Friends see eye-to-eye on everything, right? What is happening? Is the world out of balance? “Why is this person I’m generally content with making me feel so uncomfortable? They’re so wrong about this and I can’t believe it.”
STAGE 2: Pause for a moment, look at one another and audibly gulp
This is the moment you realize you’re about to fight about something for the first time. The audible gulp signals the beginning of a long process of both parties trying to drive home a point. The problem is, as friends you don’t want to lose that bond. Nobody wants to be alone in this world, especially over something so minor (that you’re totally right about and they’re not – just saying).
STAGE 3: Feverishly debate your point, but out of respect also give your friend a moment to say their part
Okay, it’s good at this time to allow them to say their piece, even though you’re totally right and they’re oh so wrong. Try not to have too smug of a look on your face as they say whatever the completely wrong thing they want to say is said.
STAGE 4: Leave behind politeness and begin boiling over with anger
“Wait, what?! They honestly believe what they just said? How have I been friends with such a moron this whole time?! Alright, here it comes: FUCK YOU! I’m right.”
STAGE 5: Say something you very much regret
Maybe make fun of their mother. Disgrace their knowledge. Tell them you banged their ex. Doesn’t matter. Point is, you have to walk away feeling like you’ve won (and that you’re still right about this whole thing).
STAGE 6: Stay true to what it was that you said
On your walk or drive home just have a smirk on your face and shake your head while mumbling your point on the matter over and over. Throw your hands in the air and conclude, “I don’t know what else I could’ve said. It’s so clear that I was right.”
STAGE 7: Try to avoid them for awhile
No texting. No social media. Don’t socialize within the friend group. They don’t deserve the satisfaction of your completely correct face.
STAGE 8: If you happen to run into them, bask in the awkwardness of tension
“Oh, hey. How are you? Good, good.” (You don’t give a shit secretly!)
STAGE 9: Continue ignoring them
If they text you, wait five days to text back. Don’t respond to whatever they texted just say, “Sorry, phone was dead, and also I hate you. I’m right.”