Street Performer On Stilts Tells Mother She Should Have Used A Condom After Her Shithead Kid Tried To Knock Him Over


HAHAHA WHAT A LITTLE SHITFUCK! I mean I was a rambunctious kid myself (I once put a pin on my next door neighbor’s bike seat. She was pretty. I was flirting. I had good intentions. We don’t speak anymore.) But this little fucker just wants to watch the world burn. He knew wholeheartedly if all went to plan, that dude would have shattered every bone in his body at the pinnacle of his illustrious street performing career, ending his monumental run in an instant. Years and years of walking on large metal crutches to gather a crowd of 38 on the streets of Vancouver, and for what? For some little shitstain who has never been taught right from wrong to send you into early retirement so he can brag to his other shitstain friends at recess?

Someone had to say it, kid. You should have never reached the egg. The truth hurts. Maybe even more than bones exploding on hot concrete in front of admiring fans.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.