Bros, I think we lucked out on the whole gender front. I know we could own women in bench pressing and farting and shit but how can we call ourselves a superior gender when we don’t have to deal with this:
Hair and Makeup: I woke up at 8:30 this morning and was ready for the day by 8:55. Patted down my cowlick to the best of my ability, washed my face, and was primed to start the day looking semi-acceptable, depending on who you ask.
I moved to New York with less luggage than the contents of my girls’ makeup bag. Like if I were having an allergic reaction and my epipen was in her makeup bag, I’d certainly die before she found it. And me and my girlfriend went on a break, got back together, and broke up again all while she was blowdrying her hair.
Pregnancy: Ya so this one is pretty self explanatory. All we bros have to do is jizz. Like thats literally it. Then our biological responsbility is done. *Two pats on the back* “You got it from here babe?!” The prospect of bringing life into the world must be exhilarating, but accepting a bowling ball in your stomach for 9 months is about as appetizing as sharing a joint with your buddy with a cold sore.
Shaving: Pretty much your entire body. Legs, pits, vaginal area. Now this isn’t a requirement, but its commonplace. The prospect of adding yet another responsibility to my shower routine on top of contemplating all the mistakes I’ve made in my life and masturbating is something I’m getting anxious just thinking about.
Holding in Farts: I’ll fart in a crowded elevator in the mid-August heat and forget I did it by lunchtime. But I’m not trying to be a dick, I genuinely cannot help it. More likely than not, its an emergency. The fact that women can hold in their bowel movements so graciously is something I’ll always admire about their species. Oh, nevermind. Girls don’t shit. LOLZ disregard.
Periods: There’s like blood coming out of vaginas and stuff and I don’t know, man, I don’t really get it. But if I had my choice, I’d probably prefer zero blood spontaneously leaking out of my penis. Just preference.
But imagine for a second if we needed tampons. For our dicks or something. Think of how corporations would cater to our bro-ness by making it seem masculine and cool to shove a blunt object in our pee holes. Oh fuck, Matt, just shut up.
Anyways, this is how it would look.