Thou shalt have no other girls before me
We know you worship other goddesses by the names of Kate Upton, Mila Kunis and Minka Kelly. Such worship is permitted as we will always have Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp and George Clooney. However, worshiping other women in your life is not cool. It’s an issue if you still fantasize, often, about your ex or have a stronger attraction to one of your friends than your girlfriend. We all have had that bizarre dream of banging our ex or friend and wake up feeling startled, guilty and slightly turned on. But if your attraction goes deeper than a random thought or weird dream and you find yourself having intensely strong feelings for another girl then you need to revaluate what you’re doing.
Thou shalt not take thy name in vain (except in bed)
On your night out with the bros we know you are going to talk a bit of shit. Hopefully, the things you have to say are small complaints like how we nag you to be ready on time but then change our outfit 87 times and make you late. If your complaints run deeper than that and you describe us as evil wenches who have stolen your freedom and independence; that is not cool. Using profanities in front of our names also goes unappreciative. I do not want to hear the end of sentences that start with “my fucking girlfriend..” or “fucking McKenzie..” The only time I want to hear you use the F word that close to my name is when I am physically fucking you.
Remember the Sabbath day (date night)
We understand that you have a really busy schedule and can’t devote your every woken moment to our existence. But finding one night a week to spend with us would be greatly appreciated. Keg parties with all your bros, watching the game with you and your bros and meeting up to do work in the library together does not count. We want one night together to grab dinner or a movie, alone. It’s a small sacrifice to make but comes with a large reward. Blow jobs.
Honor my mother and father
So Daddy is not your biggest fan. The night you snuck through the backdoor at 11pm and he caught you was not a great first impression. Being an ex-bro, Daddy did not buy your “we’re just going to watch a movie” plea nor did he get distracted when you tried talking to him about golf. Even though he doesn’t especially care for you, please continue to be respectful of him. Don’t call him by his first name unless he tells you to and always treat me like a princess baby angel in his presence. As for mom, she and I might not always see eye to eye but while I can complain and call her a crazy menopausal bitch behind her back, you cannot. Always be respectful by asking her if you can help with something around the house, telling her that I must get my good looks from her and that her cooking is amazing.. even if you have to lie.
Thou shalt not kill the mood
If we’re in the heat of the moment, don’t kill it by saying something that’s a total buzz kill. In case you’re unsure of when to speak up and when to stay silent, check out this article: http://www.brobible.com/life/article/things-she-wants-to-hear-bed
Thou shalt not commit adultery
Ok, so cheating on your girlfriend isn’t committing adultery but it’s still cheating and it hurts like hell to be cheated on. Just don’t do it. The feeling of being cheated on is so emotionally painful that I wouldn’t even wish it on Anne Hathaway. And I hate Anne Hathaway. (Editor's note: CO-SIGN! Co-sign all day, every day.)
Thou shalt not be a dumb ass
This covers all the dumb shit boys do when they’re drunk from jumping off the roof of their frat houses to being out of control of their bodily functions. Three of my friends woke up to a wet bed this year because their drunk boyfriends’ pissed themselves in their sleep. What is going on here? Depends were not created for twenty-somethings.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
You all have that one friend that does not give a shit about the fact that you’re in relationship. When you go out with him its balls to the wall, business as usual. If he needs you to be his wingman you must be his wingman or he will disown you. We get how that works and since we trust you, we’re okay with you chatting up a girl for a little while so your bro can get it in with her friend. Having said that, if you end up cheating and try to blame your friend for your actions, be ready for the wrath of your soon-to-be crazy ex-girlfriend. Yes, he may have “forced” you to play wingman but he did not “force” you to make out with the girl at the bar and he certainly did not guide your penis into her mouth later that night. Do not falsely blame someone for something you are guilty of. Take responsibility for your actions.
Thou shalt not comment on thy appearance negatively
We don’t really want your honest opinion when we ask “does this make me look fat?” We are really looking for reassurance that we look good; even if our ass is starting to look more like Oprah’s than Kim K’s. Always reply by telling us we look amazing and try gently guiding us towards the door. When paying a compliment, try to remember that telling us we are beautiful or gorgeous always outweighs hot and sexy.
Thou shalt not covet thy bro’s girl
One of your bros started dating a drop-dead gorgeous smoke? Good for him. Try with all your might to not stare at her cleavage or ass as she bends over if your girlfriend is around. Girls become extremely aware of their boyfriend’s actions when an attractive woman is around. The jealousy kicks in and things could get ugly if you get caught flirting. Besides, I know you guys think you’ve mastered the art of checking out a girl without her noticing but we always notice. Nice try, though.
Bless you and go forth my sons,