If you’re like me, chances are you read sites like BroBible to break up the monotony and mind-numbing boredom of your work day. You sit there in your cube, checking out the latest absurd Dan Bilzerian story while you try to tune out Jerry from Accounting’s vegetable lasagna recipe he used the night before, thinking to yourself, “I wish I could be at the shooting range with eight naked models instead of sitting here contemplating taking this stapler to my eyeball.” Regardless of what your mother or Jim Harbaugh might tell you, many people have it better than you. Many people are more talented than you are. Many people make more money than you do. And many people have sex with way hotter women than you. And for the next 10 minutes (20 if you’re a slow reader), you can (hypothetically) be one of those people!
When compiling this list, I used four main factors to determine what guys we want to trade places with the most: Age, profession, net worth, and last but not least, the quality of the woman (or women) they get to see naked.
Profession: “Poker Player” (Hedge Fund Kid)
Net Worth: $100M
Quality of Women: Strong to quite strong
There are only two ways you can feel about Dan Bilzerian – One, you think he’s God’s gift to Earth and everything he does gives you a half chub. Two, you think he’s a try-hard who never actually earned any of his money and thinks a little too highly of himself. Whichever camp you’re in, (for the record, I lean more towards the latter), there’s no denying that you would switch places with him in a fucking heartbeat. I want to shoot exotic guns. I want yacht parties with topless girls named XTina and Cinnamon. I want to throw porn stars off my roof and almost paralyze them. I don’t get to do any of those things right now and it just isn’t fair.
Net Worth: $5M
Quality of Women: ?
On the plus side, you’d be a multi-millionaire and get to see every hot girl in the world naked under the guise of “art.” You wouldn’t have to put your body on the line like an athlete and there’s even a chance that one out of every 800 of these women agrees to let you touch their boobs. On the other hand, you’d be 48-years-old, have people write articles like this about you, and you’d look like pedophile Lance Armstrong. Tough call here.
The Top Ten
#10 – Derek Jeter Age: 40
Profession: Major League Baseball Player
Net Worth: $185M
Quality of Women: Hall of Fame
Jesus Christ. Just look at the roster Jeets has put together throughout the years, and I’m not talking about his dynasty league fantasy baseball team. When Minka Kelly is, like, the sixth-hottest girl you’ve had sex with, you know you’ve had a pretty good ride. He’s rich, he’s got a great job, and he’s slept with more hot women than a Floridian gigolo living in an apartment without air conditioning. So what puts him at the bottom of this list? Well, he’s already 40 and the Yankees suck.
#9 – Ashton Kutcher
Net Worth: $140M
Quality of Women: MILA!!
He’s good-looking, he’s got a ridiculously high-paying gig on a show that doesn’t require you to do much of anything from an acting standpoint, and maybe the sexiest woman in the world is about to push his kid out. Hard to see a downside here.
#8 – Phil Ivey
Profession: Actual Poker Player, Gambler
Net Worth: $100M
Quality of Women: Gotta be decent, no?
Phil Ivey may have the single coolest job on the planet. Personally, I think casinos are disgusting and the regulars who frequent them are usually pretty weird, but Phil doesn’t have to worry about that because he just goes straight up to the casino hotel penthouses for his own private games where models feed him grapes and fan him with Morning Fresh car air fresheners. It’s probably hard to gauge the net worth of a gambler, and I think that $100M figure I found online may even be a little low, but either way I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t have to worry about his next meal. The only ambiguity here is Phil’s love life. I’ve never heard of him being linked to someone crazy hot, and his ex-wife is average at best, but he’s not ugly, he’s still young, and he’s loaded. He probably does OK.
#7 – Justin Timberlake
Profession: Singer, Actor
Net Worth: $175M
Quality of Women: Legendary
If that picture is from Perez Hilton I’ll go ahead and kick my own ass so you guys don’t have to do it for me. With that said, the picture does remind us that JT been with Jessica Biel and ScarJo, which are two of the Eight Wonders of the World. Also, Justin Timberlake is straight up talented. He can sing, he’s a passable actor, and he’s flat-out electric on a dance floor. Guy has probably been the life of every party since 6th grade.
#6 – Usain Bolt
Profession: Fastest Man Alive
Net Worth: $30M
Quality of Women: Better than you
Being Usain Bolt is probably the closest you could come to being an actual superhero. Google tells me the world has 7 billion people, and you’d be the fastest person out of all of them. I think that’s reason enough.
#5 – Cristiano Rinaldo
Net Worth: $250M
Quality of Women: Good God
Regardless of your opinion of how he acts on the field (and I mean, the World Cup is over, if you’re American you’re not allowed to care for another four years), you’ve got to admit that Cristiano is one fine piece of ace. He’s also arguably the best player in the world’s most popular sport, so there’s that.
#4 – Jason Dufner
Net Worth: $14M
Quality of Women: Inconceivable
If the exercise we’re doing here is actually switching places with these people and experiencing their day-to-day lives, The Duf absolutely belongs in the top 5. It’d basically be like keeping the same life you have now except adding millions of dollars and a smokebomb wife. You’d still be able to eat a full Digiorno pizza for breakfast. You can still slug 18 beers in your buddy’s backyard on Saturday afternoons because all you have to do the next day is be up by11am for your golf round. The Duf is just like you and me, except he doesn’t miss every fairway and he’s never jerked off to Amanda Dufner.
#3 – Leonardo DiCaprio
Net Worth: $220M
Quality of Women: Whatever the hell he wants
Leo’s reached the point of superstardom where he can just literally do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and nobody is allowed to question it. Put on weight, start beef with Justin Bieber, do drugs on hotel balconies, nothing matters with this guy anymore. He could probably murder someone tomorrow and nobody would convict him because he’s Leo so anything goes. He’s got full immunity and I’d immediately give up 13 years of my life to be him.
#2 – Ryan Gosling
Profession: Female Masturbation Fuel
Net Worth: $30M
Quality of Women: Literally any woman in the world
Imagine for a second that every single girl in the world (hetero or homosexual, doesn’t matter) wants to have sex with you. Let that sink in. You know when you like a girl but you wonder if she likes you back? Gosling never has.
#1 – Justin Bieber
Profession: Bad Boy of Pop
Net Worth: $200M
Quality of Ass: Almost Gosling-like
Let me type this loud and clear: I am 100 percent serious about this pick and am in no way trolling. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, Justin Bieber is my #1 pick for guys I’d want to trade places with because he’s got all the riches and girls that everyone else on this list has, except he’s only TWENTY years old. He’s the only guy on this list where I’d be able to get all of the perks of being them AND gain six years on my life. I know there are people reading this who are younger than I am, but for everyone else, you probably often think what’d it’d be like to be 20 again. Now you can, plus you can act like an absolute assclown and still have 90% of the world’s female population knocking down your door. As it stands now, you’re not a douchebag and you still can’t get one girl to your door because you’re you. Such is life for the Bad Boy of Pop.