Testicle-Devouring Fish Arrives in America

America has plenty of problems:& Soaring deficits, partisan bickering; an overdependence on fossil fuels. But up until today, at least I could say our country didn’t have any indigenous fish that will eat your nuts off. Now I can’t 🙁

That's because in Northern New Jersey, a fisherman caught a Pacu fish. What is a Pacu fish? I won't mince words here. It is a “cousin of the piranha that can mistake genitals for tree nuts.” I guess that tree nuts fall off trees, and they bob in the water, and this Pacu guy swims up and devours them. Not unlike you when you see a bowl of cashews. But unlike you, who wouldn't mistake, say, a cashew-shaped rock for a cashew, Mr. Pacu mistakes any spherical object for a tree nut. And you know what is spherical-shaped. Your balls. 

The Pacu fish has already killed two men in New Guinea, which if you aren’t aware, is on the other side of the world. Now he's here, having probably flown business class in some adorable fish bowl with a seatbelt strapped around it, anxious to devour your genitals. So just don't do anything outside ever again. There is enough on-demand to sustain you until you die, and watching it in your living room won’t put yourself at risk of encountering a fish whose stated goal is eliminating the male species from the Earth.  

[H/T Newark Patch]