4 Things Bros Need To Stop Saying In 2015

Bros have their own language, as the loudest in the room they make everyone know it. Being the loudest person in the room is never a problem, as long as you’re charming and funny, not yelling for more shots and asking a girl to smell her fingers. Instead, try asking her if you can taste them. When you’re out being a bro, don’t forget you’re representing for men everywhere. Every single guy stepping out into the world changes other peoples perceptions of bro life. You’re out having the best time in the world, having the most fun and it’s time to show everyone how awesome bros can be. It’s time a few words are dropped from the vocabulary. Or, the BROcaulary if you’re an asshole.

Really, Bro? This is the white mans “I can’t even”. Two words may be able to display a wide array of emotions, however, it makes you look like a grunting gorilla when you say it. It’s only two syllables and that’s all it takes to make everyone who heard it hate you. “Really, Bro” is more often than not followed by spreading your arms out widely and posturing for no reason.  What you mean to say is “That was hurtful” or “Why would you say that.” “Really, Bro” is actually you talking about your emotions you weirdos, what ever happened between punches amongst friends?

Slam Pig. This has nothing to do with feminism or misogyny, stop saying Slam Pig purely for the fact it means you’re fucking a pig. Although pigs are very close to human beings genetically, they still eat their own shit. If you’re sleeping with a girl who will eat her own shit for you, shes not a slam pig she’s a wife. Do you really want everyone knowing you’re plowing a sex sow? Don’t try and say this like it’s an amazing thing, pulling a slam pig is publicly lowering your standards. Try calling them something slightly better, like, a tunnel buddy. That name is so awesome that whether she’s just some one night stand or has a ring on her finger she’ll laugh at the term.

Ratchet. The people who say ratchet always look like they’ve been beaten with a ratchet, the people who say ratchet the most absolutely need to be beaten with a ratchet. Preferably until they cannot talk anymore. What was supposed to be a new way of calling someone a tool was adopted and now honored by the tools it used to describe. It’s ironic that those who say ratchet have probably never picked up a tool in their life, unless it was 1am at last call in the bar.

“We” when talking about sports teams. You do realize “we” would mean that someone on the team or the corporation would have to know who you are, right? Just because you buy a jersey with your favorite athletes name on it doesn’t mean you’re an actual player or part of the organization. Sports are a glorified reason for men to sit and drink beer without talking, sports are a wonderful spectacle that makes sure we don’t have to talk to each other at all. Why ruin that by saying stupid stuff like “We gotta win this game”? If you want to make the game more interesting, don’t pretend they know you, just bet your girlfriend’s necklace on a game to someone that will break your kneecaps.

These common phrases that have invaded mancabulary are terrible. They’re worse than toothy head in a bathroom stall. Instead of worrying about gains on your arms, worry about gains on not sounding dumb. Being a bro means being the ones having the most fun in the room at all times, give people a reason to join. No one wants to hang out with someone ratchet who calls everyone else ratchet.