Summer is upon us. Not officially, but when the weather gets north of 70-degrees, it’s fucking summer. Any other argument is just splitting hairs. Here are 50 things that guys in their 20s will definitely do this summer. Probably.
Oh, and before I start…yes, I know I totally nailed it with the top photo. What a crew.
- Get stoned with a complete stranger, bond for life; never speak ever again.
- Remove sand from somewhere sand shouldn’t be.
- Try to have sex in a hammock.
- Stare at your neighbor’s daughter sunbathing; offer her a beer.
- Fall asleep in a park and wake up with a sunburn.
- Play soccer for ten minutes then give up.
- Make out with an Australian girl at a concert.
- Buy a dumb hat and sunglasses out of necessity.
- Get caught singing in your car with your windows down in traffic.
- Try to impress girls on the beach with your football skills.
- Make direct eye contact with a girl, then look directly into her cleavage.
- Take a piss in the ocean.
- Show up to a friend’s “huge” barbecue; thirty dudes and three girls.
- Get someone’s dad to do a kegstand.
- Watch fat people eat ice cream disapprovingly.
- Close the curtains to get the glare off the TV.
- Get angry at the asshole who brought the acoustic guitar to the party.
- End up at a complete stranger’s house party; end up hitting on someone underage.
- Day drink and fall asleep by 5pm.
- Get stung by a bee and act like it didn’t hurt.
- Get stuck working the BBQ at a party.
- Stare longingly at every girl in a sundress.
- Get dripped on by an air conditioner.
- Hurt a nephew or niece.
- Go shirtless somewhere inappropriate.
- Drunkenly fall in a bush.
- Drunkenly fall in a pool.
- Drunkenly fall up a porch stair well.
- Remove a splinter with a knife.
- Try rock climbing once; brag to girls in bars that you’re a rock climber.
- Realize swimming in deep water is much harder than you remembered.
- Secretly get freaked out by something on the ocean floor touching your foot.
- Lose your red solo cup at a party and take someone else’s.
- Try to organize a game of kick ball.
- Hide your wallet and cellphone in your shoes.
- Kill a bug for a girl; only get a peck on the cheek as thanks.
- Do too many Jello Shots.
- Almost get bit by a dog.
- Leave work early to drink outside.
- Burn your ass on a car seat.
- Get stuck at a friends wedding in their backyard.
- Try to remove your nut sack from your leg without anyone noticing.
- Have sex in a tent.
- Ruin a pair of white sneakers.
- Get your sandals stolen at a water park.
- Drink out of a hose.
- Have a water gun fight; sometimes indoors.
- Almost fight a random teenager on the street; walk away because teens are fucking crazy.
- Light off fire crackers.
- Have to explain that “the water was really cold.”
Bread Foster is a NYC comedian. Follow him on twitter, or don’t, he’s not that important @BreadFoster