I know, bro. That damn toy your girl keeps hidden in one of her old purses can be intimidating, but do not fear the vibrator. Your lady may dig the buzz, but she still wants the beef. It’s just that every now and then she’d also like to put a little soprano vibrato on that monster and set the cookie extra free.
Once upon a time though there did exist a world without vibrators. How did women cope? With penis and penis alone since their doctors were telling them that ladies have no natural sexual urges. You’d think that hornyass guys in the past would want women to let their freak flag fly, but these are the same folks that are only a couple generations removed from wiping their asses with their hands.
Sit down, gather ‘round, and learn a little bit about that buzzing bit of magic your girl keeps hidden away for those ‘50 Shades Of Grey’ moments. Getting to know a little history is good for the brain. Plus, it gives you added excuses to talk about sex.
1. Cleopatra used angry bees in hollow gourd as first vibrator
Cleopatra, per several rumors, was the first to discover the vibrator. When you’re young and horny, but Marc Antony is too busy fighting wars to be home knocking the bottom out that thang, a solution must be found to satiate your carnal lust. Cleopatra found just that in filling a gourd with angry bees and using it to slake her sensuous thirsts. Now that’s ingenuity. But how did modern women get down?
2. Women suffered from ‘hysteria’
Up through the 20th century society believed that women had no sexual desire and that they existed solely to be nailed by bros and to produce their man-bro babies. So when women, believing themselves to be ‘civilized,’ found themselves having weird sexual thoughts they went to the doc for treatment for their condition. Doctors, unsure of what else to call this condition, named it ‘hysteria.’ How did they treat it? This is where it gets real good…
3. Doctors gave handjobs to women
Seriously. Handjobs. Lots and lots of handjobs. Basically, your grey-haired, beer-bellied family doc was using the same hand that checked your prostate to work mom’s fleshy parts into a lather. Her orgasmic release was viewed as a temporary reprieve from the conditions of her ‘hysterical’ condition.
4. Early modern vibrators were hand-cranked
If you’ve ever taken the time to ‘digitize’ a woman’s nether portions you know that it’s a lot of work. Not even a super workout forearm fiend could handle doing 20-30 or more of these ‘treatments’ a day. With doctors being exhausted all the time, some of them got to thinking of ways to bring about the o-face without the arm ache.
Thusly, they invented the first vibrators. Hand-cranks dominated the first generation of design.
5. Steam power
The prevailing method of powering machines in the late 19th century was by using steam. An American doctor named George Taylor used it to make the first steam-powered vibrator in 1869. (This is the only cool thing that those weird steampunk people can ever lay claim to. That, and steampunk chicks. Yeah buddy. Steampunk chicks rule.)
6. First electromechanical vibrator invented
Dr. Joseph Granville patented the first electromechanical vibrator in 1880. For the first time in recorded history, plug-n-play orgasms were a thing and doctors truly could rest while their patients were ‘treated’ over and over and over and over…
7. 5th in line
When Hamilton Beach made the first straight up electricity-powered vibrator in 1902, they were breaking new ground in the electrical device market. So new, in fact, that the only domestic devices to precede it were the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle and toaster. Say what you want about those long dresses and chaste demeanors. Early 20th century inventors knew how to take care of the kitty.
8. First cordless invented in 1968
Just in time for the Sexual Revolution of the 60’s was the first cordless vibrator. Needing naught but batteries and imagination women could now pursue their orgasm even after protest riots caused power outages.
9. The Original (Hitachi) Magic Wand
Doubling up on o-face inventions the almighty Original Magic Wand was invented in the same year as the first cordless vibrator in 1968. The design was so explosively popular that it sold like crazy and even got featured in the Tom Hanks movie ‘Bachelor Party.’
Though the design has been improved to increase power and decrease energy expenditure, the Original Magic Wand has remained mostly unchanged in design. In fact, the only thing that’s changed about it is the name. After being the ‘Hitachi Magic Wand’ for over two decades Hitachi decided to remove their name from the device in a rebranding effort. Somehow, Hitachi actually believes that people will give a solitary damn about anything they’ve made besides that special, special vibrator.
10. They even did a movie about ‘em
‘Hysteria’ is a fictionalized account of the birth of electromechanical vibrators starring Jake Gyllenhaal’s ok-looking sister. The story’s kinda funny, but beware. For a movie dripping with sex this movie is the most titless endeavor in the history of film. But you get to see a lot of chunksters having orgasms so there’s that I guess.