Listen, if you don’t have Ryan Gosling hair with Jared Leto silky blue eyes and the body of Tyrese, you’re probably not getting the quality matches you think your plummeting dad bod deserves. Don’t be ashamed about it bro, I’m right there next to you. In 8th grade, Danny Dennison told me that I looked like my mother drank while I was in the womb. I don’t know if he was serious or kidding but I probably should know by now considering I’ve had 12 years to think about it. (That was, by far and away, the most hurtful insult I’ve ever received. Fuck you, Dennison.)
*wipes tears*
Anyhoo! So what is the answer to playing out of your league in the online dating realm, I ask for you?
GIMMICKS, GIMMICKS, GIMMICKS.
You don’t have to read too many chicks’ Tinder bios to know that they seek laughter and adventure and uniqueness. The standard Tinder profile (which I so eloquently detail here), doesn’t work anymore. Chicks don’t want to see you standing next to a fucking tree in your favorite collared shirt smiling like you’ve been doing it for a while. That shit’s vanilla. It’s the dating profile version of “Proficient in Excel.” You need to have your resume stand out. Too much work, you say hypothetically?
These two chicks are here to help.
Selina and Lucy are two #millennials who started #GetMoreSwipes, a service that works to make your Tinder/Bumble profiles more appealing to women, in turn getting you more matches and more SEX BRO!
Their cheeky website mission statement:
90% of the time women swipe left not because you’re ugly – but because your bio and picture selection sucks. We’re here to help with that.
I agree with everything but the “not because you’re ugly” part. You’re repulsive, bro.
The pair charges $20 for your profile reviewal and makeover. They set up a Skype session with you to discuss weaknesses in your profile and points of improvement. Getting you laid is a three step process.
If the thought of hiring someone to repackage your online dating profile makes you feel pathetic, just remember that its totally socially acceptable now to accept someone into your life who you know all of four pictures about. The bar has been lowered, and I’m limbo-ing under that bitch
Or, you could just jack my Bumble profile. It’s run it’s course and I could hardly keep up with the demand anyway. Don’t say I’ve never done nothin’ for ya.