This Guy Tried To Vacuum His Farts Away And Wound Up Getting His Sphincter Sucked Into The Vacuum Instead

shutterstock_181502609

Shutterstock


When it comes to getting rid of shitty smells, my mind immediately jumps to air fresheners. I don’t care if it’s a candle, a can of Febreeze or a bottle of shampoo that you’re wiping all over the place to get rid of the stench, those are all decent ways to get rid of a smell (some better than others).

But using a vacuum…I’m not buying it.

Redditor Myideasreallysuck, on the other hand, did buy it. He bought it so hard that he decided it would be an ingenious idea and got so excited to try out his brilliant idea that he wound up in the hospital, getting prepped to have surgery to repair his broken anus.

I’ll let Myideasreallysuck explain further:

This actually happened this afternoon. Not very much backstory needed for this one, however I guess I should explain myself.

Firstly – I’m lactose intolerant. Really badly lactose intolerant. If I have cheese, whey, pretty much anything with milk solids in it, I’ll start blasting with wind like an involuntary ass trumpet. Diarrhea happens occasionally as well. The issue is that I really, really like brie.

Secondly – I was home alone today. My girlfriend had gone out to lunch with her friends and I thought I’d surprise her by cleaning the house whilst she was away. Who knows? It could have led to some grateful sexy times. At it turns out though, this was never to be.

Before I started, I spotted some brie in the fridge. It wasn’t long into vacuuming that I started feeling churning. I farted a few times (relatively mildly), before an epiphany hit me: why don’t I vacuum away my farts? The smell will be contained inside the bag and potential embarrassment in the future may be avoided. Without further ado, to maximise absorption, I undid my pants the next time I felt another gas wave hit me.
So began the biggest mistake of recent memory. It turns out that between the negative pressure of a vacuum and the positive pressure of a fart, that the effect was stronger than anticipated. As the fart arrived, the gas was rapidly absorbed into the vacuum tube – along with the end segment of my large intestine.

Unsurprisingly, this hurt a fucking lot. I immediately turned off the vacuum and tried to push my sphincter back inside my ass – turns out that doesn’t work, and it also hurts a fucking lot too. Not long after, my girlfriend arrives home. I avoid explaining why I’m in the bathroom for a while, but eventually I come clean. She laughed way too much before realising shit was serious.

I’m in hospital now, being prepped for surgery to reconstruct my ass. Seriously people – as smart as you might feel about vacuuming away your farts, just don’t do it.

TL;DR – I vacuumed out my rectum trying to contain a fart.

Which do you think would be worse…sucking your asshole out into a vacuum or shooting poop all over your house?

tumblr_mg99r8RH9E1rmuyp7o1_400

[H/T Reddit, header image via Shutterstock]

BroBible Newsletter - The best sports and culture news directly to your inbox

* indicates required