To all ladies, and boyfriends/husbands of ladies who are impossibly difficult to be awaken in the morning: This entire post is dedicated to you.
I have never been a morning person. Never in my entire life. If you are like me, mornings suck. They suck more than Twilight, the characters in the novel, and awful-tasting overpriced coffee. Combined. But thank God for technology, mornings will never be the same again with this amazing lifesaver – the vibrator alarm clock. Technology is so freaking remarkable, just when you thought you have seen it all, it surprises you again.
The world of sex toys has seen great leaps since the humble beginnings of the vibrator. Originally invented by overworked doctors who needed pain relief for their hands after giving handjobs to tons of women suffering from “hysteria”, human beings have now developed all kinds of pleasure machines such as the Sybian saddle.
And now we bring to you the Wake-Up Vibe, an iPod-lookalike which offers 6 different vibrating patterns. It also offers you the ultimate reason to ditch your alarm clocks, because this vibrating of an alarm will get you out of the right side of the bed every morning, making sure that when dawn comes – so will you.
Modern people love tools that help them multi-task and serve multiple functions, so come Thanksgiving, there is absolutely no reason not to buy this device for your girlfriend or wife. All she has to do is as follows:
Step 1: Program the clock
Step 2: Keep the vibe in panties
Step 3: Sleep like a baby
Step 4: Wake up with a buzz, smile, moan or some orgasmic bliss
The world is now a much happier, joyful and all-round better place. Get your hopes up – according to the manufacturers, this magical device is almost like a Fountain of Youth Pill. It boasts:
“Get more energy, boost your libido and feel much happier. The Wake-Up Vibe will make you glow all day long!”
It also comes with a bold promise: “Wake up vibe will change your life”.
I have helped you do some research to answer your burning questions about this alarm-clock-for-the-vagina.
Q: What if I can’t wait till the morning to get off? I want my orgasm NOW.
A: Yes, if you are feeling impatient and horny, feel free to switch the device to manual mode and get your orgasm on demand just like Netflix (or a normal vibe).
Q: Is there a male version? I heard morning is the best time to get going, because morning wood.
A: Sorry, not at the moment. But I’m confident it will come sooner rather than later.
Q: How do I attach the device if I usually sleep naked?
A: You need to leave your panties on to help keep the device in place.
Q: Will it come off if I toss and turn during the night?
A: Do I look like a girl to you? I haven’t tried it, but according to their website – “It is shaped to the curves of the female body and exceptionally thin. Toss and turn and it will stay in place.”
Q: What if I am addicted to hitting the snooze button?
A: Stick to coffee, damn it.
Q: What if it gets me into the mood but I take very long to get off?
A: Then you will continue to be late for work, have your pay deducted, or your ass fired.
Q: What colors is this available in?
A: Pink, purple, black. At least that’s what they look like to me. And why the hell does color matter?
Personally, I think this product is unquestionably brilliant. As a wise man once said, an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. But I am still confused whether the purpose of this product is to make sure people get out of bed immediately or to make half the population in your office late every morning.
If you still require video instruction after all that explaining, check out the YouTube video below. If you’re ready for a vibrating wake up call, click here to get one.
[H/T Sex and Psychology]