Check Out The World’s Most Basic White Chick Fail Miserably At Being A Basic White Chick

This whole scene is so ‘basic white chick’ I’m beginning to have urges to get a Starbucks latte and post a picture of me and my friends simultaneously jumping on the beach. The only type of girl that feels sexier than a chick turning up to Bieber while pre-gaming is the girl on the shoulders of that thirsty dude at a festival. No exceptions. And that dance. Miracle Whip white. Like if black people were playing charades and someone replicated those moves, everyone would shout at once “BASIC WHITE CHICK DANCING TO SHITTY POP MUSIC IN HER PARENTS’ BATHROOM!” but the answer would actually be “someone having an epileptic fit.” And then everyone will decide that it’s “close enough” and give them the point. God damn. Sad day for white people. Set us back about 15 years. We’re back in the height of the beanie baby craze. Put a bullet in my head.

P.S. Can we digress a bit and talk about the extensive hair-straightening process? Like my ex asked to go on a break and I was like “why, are you not fulfilled?” and she was like “nah, I’m going to straighten my hair in the bathroom and think this two weeks will be good for us to think about what we want.” We didn’t last.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.