Would You Rather Live in a World with No Marriage or No Divorce?



Living in a world with no marriage would be an absolute utopia. Making marriage illegal would eliminate all the pressure and shame that comes with divorce. Think about it. A couple that is dating but not married breaks up and nobody gives a shit. A married couple gets divorced and it’s looked at as this catastrophic failure. What a crock.

Whether people want to admit it or not, marriage is a dated concept. Eventually the novelty between two people is going to wear off. It’s not sad, it’s just science. Ever hear of the Coolidge effect? Scientists did studies where they dropped a female rat in a cage with a male rat and the male rat immediately stuffs the living daylights out of the female rat. After awhile, the sex is less frequent and it takes longer for the male rat to get off. Here’s where it gets interesting. They take the female rat out and replace her with a different female and boom! The male rat is once again intrigued and back to delivering a fully engorged rat boner. Unbelievable stuff.

Chemistry between two people dying down as time goes on is as safe a bet as the sun coming up tomorrow morning, or a fart in the shower being ten times more disgusting. Let’s embrace these truths! How sweet would it be if having a life partner were similar to a car lease? Two-year terms, if you like the car than you can renew it. If it’s not working out, you try a new one and you happily go your separate ways. Whatever, no hard feelings, it was great while it lasted.

I think getting married is like going to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and eating a plate of white rice. Fuck that. I want chicken fingers, crab rangoons, spare ribs, and lo mein with duck sauce dripping down my chin. That’s the variety of dating life, and it’s thrilling. Marriage is not.

End the pain, end the shame, end the pressure, END MARRIAGE.


I hate a lot of things in this world. And for me, divorce is right up there with spiders, people that talk in movie theaters, Ann Coulter, disease, French Canadians, wearing a helmet, pooping on airplanes, traffic, indecisive girls, humidity, and quitters. And that’s what people that get divorced are. Fucking quitters.

I would be ecstatic if we did away with divorce altogether. But don’t get me wrong; I’m not a big fan of marriage in the first place. But if you’re the type of person that chooses to get hitched – and that should always be an option because there’s no denying that on rare occasions it works out wonderfully – you damn well better stick it out. If we eliminated the potential for a way out, marriage would be a lot less common and I think that’s a great thing.

Marriage isn’t meant to be like a casual, drunken round of golf with your buddies. It’s the fucking Masters. You play until the end and there are no mulligans. The fact that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce these days is a travesty. Not only should divorce be outlawed, but it should also be a law that a married couple has to live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, make love regularly, and face legitimate jail time if caught in an extra-marital relationship. Then we’ll see if people run around willy-nilly getting married without being 100%. No divorce = less/stronger marriages = more single people. It’s simple math, and I think that’s an equation we can all get behind.

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