I’m usually zoned out for the first segment of WWE Raw. It’s either Cena preaching the Gospel according to John, The Authority voicing their pleasure or displeasure with an event during last week’s WWE Raw or twenty straight minutes of reminding fans what they saw last night, last week, last month and last decade.
Tonight, I’ll be all in for the opening segment.
Brock Lesnar is the bouncer who checks your ID by just staring at you in the face until you admit you’re caring a fake ID. He’s the guy at the gym that stands in front of the dumbbell rack because he’s using all of them at the same time. He’s a gargoyle with a flat top. He’s the new heavyweight champion but he’s also boring as hell.
In fact, I don’t even care if Lesnar shows up on WWE Raw tonight. I’m not interested in seeing Brock Lesnar.
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Chris Illuminati, and I’m watching the opening segment of WWE Raw to see, hear and pop for every word that spills from Paul Heyman’s mouth. Paul Heyman could just talk about Brock Lesnar until the next PPV and I’d be absolutely content. Paul tells the story better than Brock jumping back and forth playing one man hop scotch or any convoluted tale creative is going to concoct to explain why anyone, especially after Lesnar beat the pant legs off Cena’s jorts, anyone would be stupid to get into the ring with Lesnar.
And this leads us to the possible opponents for Lesnar at the Night of Champions. Here’s a short list of possible opponents for Lesnar at the next pay per view and their actual chances of being his next opponent.
Roman Reigns: It’s too soon for Roman Reigns to face the Beast Incarnate. Reigns will be a slow build, at least until Survivor Series, but smart money says a Wrestlemania match between Lesnar and Reigns would be “best for business.” Possibility: better than slight
Dave Batista: The former champion and possible Authority defector could return any week now that he’s done promoting the biggest movie of the summer. His return to the ring and insertion into an instant feud with Triple H’s hand-picked opponent for Cena at Summerslam. Possibility: Slight
John Cena: Ugh, please no. Go make a movie, John. We all need a break. Even you. Possibility: Slim but ALWAYS possible when it comes to Cena. He could show up tonight with both belts and claim to have won them in thumb wrestling best 2-out-of-3 falls prior to the show and fans no one would be shocked.
The Undertaker: The man who had his streak ended comes back for revenge. Taker did just recently reappear on Twitter under his real name of own name. You don’t just hop back on Twitter for fun. Twitter isn’t fun. It still might be too soon to cash in on the rematch, and with Hell in a Cell the PPV after Night of Champions, that would make more sense for the ‘Taker. There’s less of a chance for his wheelchair to roll out of the ring if it’s surrounded by a cage. Possibility: Less than slim.
Hornswoggle: Seriously, I’d pay $9.99 a day just to get a Night of Champions main event between a
midget dwarf mwarf and Brock Lesnar. Especially if he ate him at the end of the match. Held him up above his mouth and swallowed him whole like a cartoon cat does a goldfish. Pull out his bones and plink them with him sausage fingers. Possibility: Vince does love little people, but, no chance.
And can we get the champ a unified belt? Is that happening tonight? It was teased weeks ago. I’m tired of champions walking around with numerous belts dangling from their necks. And can someone wear one belt? Cena sprinted to the ring week after week with the belts dangling like steel balls from the back of the pick-up and never thought “I should wear one of these.”
Here’s what else you probably will/won’t see on WWE Raw
Dolph Ziggler is the Intercontinental champion. For his entire title reign, we’ll all hold our breath and hope he doesn’t land on his head. Hopefully this involves a feud with Seth Rollins who moves on from his break-up with Dean Ambrose to challenge for an actual title. Lord knows he ain’t cashing in that briefcase any time soon. Though another match with Heath Slater would please me so.
Speaking of Heath Slater, his current streak and prominent exposure on WWE TV reminds me of the movie Office Space. Remember when the Bobs offered a promotion and raise to Peter right after breaking the news that his buddies Samir and Michael were being let go? I feel like this exact scene played out with Slater right before Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal were sent packing except Slater didn’t jump on the grenade like Peter Gibbons.
WWE brass: “Heath, we want to push you while Drew and Jinder are let…”
Slater: “Yes! Let’s do just that, I’ll tell the guys!”
Here’s my gripe with the Nikki Bella turn or anyone joining the Authority — there’s very little benefit to the wrestler. Take Seth Rollins for example — he turns his back on The Shield, gets on the good side of The Authority, and he’s got little to show for his betrayal. He’s hounded by an ex-partner, hasn’t sniffed a title shot (I realize he’s hold the MITB briefcase but as a favorite of Triple H he doesn’t even get put into any non-title matches) and can’t even get a small loan from Steph to get the rest of his hear highlighted. If Nikki doesn’t become Steph’s lackey, then no one in the WWE understand how workplace ass-kissing works.
The Bella Twins will be a prominent storyline with Nikki finally realizing her sister is the reason she’s been getting her voluptuous ass handed to her week after week in handicap matches and even contract signings. “Wait, I went out for support and I got slapped with a leather-bound binder!” as the tanning bed light bulb goes off over her head. Nikki will probably be behind the accusations of Megan the world’s worst acting trainer and these two will feud over nothing because the Divas belt is being passed like a Phish show spliff between between two better wrestlers.
Speaking of AJ and Paige, hopefully the feud continues until at least Night of Champions. For the first time in a long time I’m paying attention to the Divas division for reasons other than “possible nip slips.”
Will there be more matches or mentions of $9.99 tonight? I’ve got the number of matches at 9 and the number of mentions at “every time Michael Cole mouth farts.”
Jerry Lawler will add something insightful to a match and I can’t even TYPE THAT without my fingers poking me in the eyes for thinking a thought so outlandish.
Sheamus comes out in full Darth Vader gear.
Bray Wyatt rocks in his chair in the middle of the ring and let’s everyone know that creative has absolutely no idea what to do with him now. We just won’t know that’s what he’s saying because it will get lost in mentions of controlling the world and the foreclosure on Old Man Willit’s farm. His Jericho feud continues because what else?
Rybaxel, Golddust and Stardust and Luke Harper and Erick Rowan continue to round robin wrestle against the Uso without getting the belts off the screaming Samoans. I yawned typing that and had to delete four misspelled words.
Rusev finally gets a worthy opponent and dear Christ let it be Roman Reigns. These two hosses had a memorable run-in at the end of a battle royal a few weeks ago on WWE Raw. A win at the next PPV builds Roman Reigns as an even bigger bad ass and a loss really doesn’t hurt Rusev that much. Win win, or as the wrestling Russian’s with bad accents say, Vin Vin.
What else will or won’t happen on WWE Raw? Tell me in the comments or hit me up on Twitter @chrisilluminati today or tonight during Raw.