The 2014 yellow flag festival (i.e. NFL preseason) is over. It’s time for some regulation, regular season football. It’s going to be a hell of a year. Hold onto your pants. These are the most outlandish things that could occur during our beloved NFL football season — but probably won’t.
Aaron Rodgers outdoes himself, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning
It’s his time. Brady had his turn. Manning had his turn. Brees gets close every year. It’s Rodgers’ year to set the NFL passing record. He and his three top three receivers are healthy. Andrew Quarless and Brandon Bostick will pitch in. Green Bay should have as efficient and productive offense as the NFL has ever seen.
NFL buys space for a stadium in London
Roger Goodell needs a good distraction after he’s ruined the NFL with an awful punishment system. He has said that he wants to move the NFL overseas. If that’s going to be possible, they need a stadium. So this year, they’ll buy the space and get on with it.
Johnny Manziel will date Kate Upton & not start this year
… because it’d be funny if he dated Kate Upton. And everyone is saying that he’ll start week 5. Brian Hoyer is actually a very good quarterback. His statistics show that he was solid last year. He had a quarterback rating of 82.6. If you don’t believe in QBR, then know that he was 57-of-96 for 615 yards with five touchdowns and three interceptions through three games. Manziel will make all his headlines off the field.
Only three rookie quarterbacks start
It’ll be Derek Carr, Blake Bortles and Zach Mettenberger. Carr has already surpassed Schaub. Bortles will get the start when Henne fails. When Jake Locker gets injured, are we really supposed to believe Charlie Whitehurst will start? No, they’ll test Mettenberger and see if they can move on from Jake Locker. The rest of the quarterbacks are buried under legitimate starters. It was an underdeveloped quarterback class – there’s no reason to rush them.
Blake Bortles (not Chade Henne) leads the Jaguars to the playoffs
Henne will lead the Jaguars to week five at 2-3 with wins against Washington and Pittsburgh. That’s when Bortles will take the reigns. By then Justin Blackmon will have returned from his four-game ban. Toby Gerhart will be rushing for 100 yards a game. And Bortles will cruise through the Jags’ easy schedule and emerge as a legitimate quarterback in the league. They will, however, lose in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s not get too outlandish.
Ryan Mallett saves Texans Head Coach Bill O’Brien from getting fired
O’Brien didn’t handle his quarterbacks correctly, until he traded for Mallett. It’s the first job of every incoming coach – get your quarterbacks in line. And with Bortles blowing up in Jacksonville, he’ll be reminded every day that he turned down the opportunity to take a franchise quarterback. Fitzpatrick will implode. And he can’t play Tom Savage – the kid would shit the bed. Mallett will keep the Texans from going winless and preserve O’Brien.
Three ESPN analysts get jobs in the NFL
Tim Tebow, Jon Gruden and Teddy Bruschi are all heading back to the NFL. When Urban Meyer gets the job as the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, he signs Tim Tebow. Fantasy owners certainly believe in Tebow. Jon Gruden signs with the Jets once sexy Rexy loses his team’s faith. Teddy Bruschi gets a contract as the linebackers’ coach of the New England Patriots. Pepper Johnson is tough guy to follow. Newly hired coach Patrick Graham won’t foot the billing. Bruschi saves the day.
ESPN Reports on Michael Sam’s showering habits
Oh, wait. That already happened? Moving on…
Michael Sam leads the Cowboys in sacks and tackles
Am I really the only person that thinks Michael Sam is talented? He was the SEC Player of the Year. Then, under all this scrutiny, he managed 2.5 sacks in the preseason. Eleven others totaled that many sacks and 10 have roster spots. One is on practice squad. So he’ll get promoted to the active squad and he’ll get playing time. By the end of the season, Michael Sam will be a legitimate starter and all the NFL owners and general managers will be scratching their heads. He’ll lead the Cowboys in sacks and tackles, because frankly, his teammates aren’t much in terms of competition.
Rob Gronkowski plays 16 games
He’s going to be ready for week 1. Robo Gronk shocks the world by playing the entire season.
Former University of Colorado receiver leads rookies in receiving yards
Percy Harvin is going to get injured. So while Paul Richardson is currently the fourth receiver of the Seattle Seahawks depth chart, he’ll see the field. The former Colorado receiver was first-team All-Pac-12. He was second in receiving yards to Saints’ first-round pick Brandon Cooks, but Richardson caught 40 fewer balls. With an injury – or even an opportunity – Richardson will prove he’s ready to contribute on the Seahawks offense and become Russell Wilson’s favorite target.
Richie Incognito starts 14 games
Incognito is the worst frat star ever. But even he can be fixed with therapy. Plus, he know that if his messes up again, he’ll never get another job in the NFL. A team that thinks they’re stocked full of talented lineman will lose one or two of their starters and realize that their backups aren’t ready. They’ll sign Incognito and he’ll start the following Sunday (or Monday (or Thursday)).
Robert Griffin III goes Mark Sanchez on everyone
Sorry RG3. I’m losing faith. I really loved the way RG3 took the NFL by storm his rookie season with his can-do yet brazen attitude. But now, the can-do attitude borders on cockiness and immaturity. The brazen attitude borders on rudeness. He’s taking flack from reporters and his backup is getting hot. At this point, all it would take from RG3 is a bad game – a literal or metaphorical butt fumble – and the NFL world will be asking for him to get benched, just like Mark Sanchez.
Cordarelle Patterson does a Percy Harvin – and is better at it
Percy Harvin was one of the NFL’s best hybrid players with the Vikings. He scored a receiving, rushing and return touchdown in his final three years in Minnesota. Cordarrelle Patterson is a threat with the exact same versatility. He’s just three inches taller and almost 40 pounds heavier – not bad.
49ers pull a Kevin Love-move on Jim Harbaugh
Jim Harbaugh wants to get paid like a Super Bowl winning coach – but he hasn’t. So the 49ers won’t pay him like he has, and they will try to get assets for their coach before he bolts in coaching free agency. If Jim Harbuagh’s 49ers are not playoff bound, it’s an easy trade. Offensive coordinator Greg Roman gets named interim head coach. If the 49ers are cruising to another playoff birth, the trade becomes more complicated. The big question: What’s a coach like Harbaugh worth on the open trade market?