(I don't know a thing about hockey so it's getting omitted. Sorry, hockey bros.)
New York Yankees
You enunciate your New York accent when faced with confrontation. Your favorite NBA team is either the Lakers or Bulls and your favorite NFL team is either the Cowboys or Giants. You bought the new gold iPhone the day it came out. You know the guy who works the door outside at least 4 clubs in Manhattan. You made your Facebook status “27-8” the second the Red Sox won the World Series this year. Your girlfriend wears your “Got Rings?” shirt to bed every night. You won't go to the stadium unless your tickets have club access, because eating unlimited hot dogs, drinking $15 Jim Beams and watching the action on TV is the “only way to see a game.” You made your wedding entrance to “Enter Sandman.” You'll defend this Jeter play to the death even though it's the most overrated play of all time. You enjoyed the last three seasons of Entourage.
New York Mets
You hate ownership for getting rid of Shea even though Citi Field is literally one million times better. You haven't watched a Met game after July in six seasons. You're also a Jets fan, and irrationally believe that someday New York won't be a Yankees/Giants city. Seinfeld is your show, and the Keith Hernandez episodes are your favorite. You go to the games to collect the promo giveaway items. You blame all the Mets' problems of the last decade on Carlos Beltran, even though he's one of the best 10 players in team history. When the team is winning, you're either overly obnoxious or overly pessimistic about their chances. You think McFadden's is the best bar in the city.
New York Giants
You're a drunker, slightly less entitled version of a Yankees fan. You're obsessed with Tom Brady and Tony Romo even though neither play on your team. “You Can't Spell Elite Without ELI” has been your fantasy team name for the last 5 years. You call every girl you meet “sweetheart.” You have a buddy named Angelo who supposedly can get you field passes at the Meadowlands except he never does. Every single person in your immediate and extended family is also a Giants fan. You've started impromptu “G-g-g-g-g-g-gmennn” chants at 3 a.m. on Metro-North. You're positive Lawrence Taylor didn't rape anybody. You boast about how classy the Giants organization is, right before you call the female Redskins fan sitting in front of you a cunt. Jim Jones' “Ballin” remix was your ringtone for three weeks in 2006.
New York Jets
You're either a lawyer or you work in a bar. You don't hate the Giants even though you should. You're a frequent caller on sports talk radio. You have an uncle who's buddy went to high school with Mark Gastineau and tells you all these stories about him that nobody could ever confirm. Your favorite beer is Bud Light. Wayne Chrebet is still your hero. Four times a week you eat dinner at “the deli.” You've been Green Man for Halloween. You boo'ed the kid who played Baby Jesus at your kid's church Christmas pageant.
New York Knicks
You hated that all your friends were Bulls fans growing up. You've got a sneaker connect at seven stores in the Tri-State. You still wear an undershirt when you play pickup basketball. Latrell Sprewell is your favorite athlete of all time. You get bottle service at 68% of the bars you go to. At one time, you owned a pager. You bought a Brooklyn Nets hat because you like the colors. You'll wait all day at the barbershop for one specific barber even though they all give you the exact same haircut. In high school, you sold mixtapes out of your trunk for $5 each because you were the first kid who had Limewire.
You recently became interested in the NBA when you discovered Brooklyn had a team. You caught three minutes of a Nets game earlier this season and asked your friend, “Aren't those the same guys that used to play for the green team?” Your favorite player is “Number 11.” You go to the games because it's something to do. You're a huge Banksy fan. You argue with the Barclays staff about the unconstitutionality of being searched before entering the arena. You used to think doing the Wave was stupid, but now you think it's cool because everyone else thinks it's stupid.
View more of the Guide to NYC here.