BYU Basketball Douche Takes Out His Sexual Frustrations By Sucker Punching Utah Player Mid-Game

Listen, if you’re a Division I caliber athlete and you choose to go to a school that won’t allow you to get laid, you’re a fucking psycho. That’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and not grabbing a plate because of your mythical gluten allergy. Fuck your gluten allergy. There is absolutely no point in playing sports if you can’t get laid. Do you think I enjoyed being hands-down the best senior on the JV football team? Fuck no, but wearing the letterman jacket to the mall and taking laps around the Food Court was well worth practicing in sub-zero temperatures.

And psychos are going to do psycho shit.

Like BYU freshman Nick Emery. Emery sucker punched Utah’s Brandon Taylor late in the second half of Utah’s 83-75 win on Wednesday night.

Utah Coach Larry Krystkowiak indicated that Emery said “stay on the ground” after blindside punching him.

Emery was ejected from the game and will likely receive a suspension from the NCAA.

Go home and give it a tug, pal. 20 years of sexual frustration can make a monster out of a man. Believe me, I’d know.

[h/t Uproxx]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.