How Many Bong Rips Did ESPN’s Neil Everett Take Before Going On National Television Last Night? My Guess is 12

Nailed it, Neil. Delivery was flawless. Ya, the scarecrow and Oz and fire and shit, stop right there because we get it and it was a classic bit, bro. No one wants to be burned by all that fire and stuff, just like you didn’t want to be burned by that blunt roach you took to the face 8 minutes before your were being broadcasted to the world. But fuck it, right. All you have to do is read a couple graphics on a tv screen, but that’s only possible if you open your eyes just a smidge. Oh that’s not possible? Then just tell us another riveting story. Or finish the one you started before. Or just go home and watch a Pixar movie and sleep it off.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.