It’s that time of year when shit-talking between you and your friends is at an all-time high. No, that’s not because you’re drunk as fuck and trying to become Vine stars, but because it’s fantasy football season.
You see, in late-August and early-September, everyone believes that their fantasy football team is the best around, confidently picking the right balance of studs and sleepers to win their league.
Unfortunately, with a winner comes a loser—and you better hope that shit ain’t you.
As bad as it is to get taunted all offseason when finishing in last-place—I would know, it happened to me last year—it’s a hell of a lot worse when your league has a mandated punishment for ending in the cellar.
For those who enjoy seeing their buddies suffer, here are some miserable fantasy football punishments for the biggest loser in your league—although, I wouldn’t actually suggest doing them.
8. Getting An Embarrassing Tat
We’ve all made mistakes, but hopefully none of them are inked on you for the rest of your damn lives.
If they are, I really hope they weren’t due to the fact that you lost your fantasy football league, where your asshole buddies were so ruthless in their attempt to humiliate the loser that they forced him/her to get an awful tattoo.
7. Attending A Nickelback Concert
This one should be self-explanatory enough. Your buddy sucked at fantasy football, thus, he buys himself the most expensive tickets available to see the suckiest band in all the land, Nickelback.
Going to a shitty concert like this will remind him/her to do their homework for next season and not take a defense in the fifth fucking round!
6. Streaking At A Live NFL Game
I’m all for feeling loose and wild, but that’s usually done in the comfort of my own home, not in front of 55,000 fans in a football stadium.
Making the loser of your fantasy league rush the field with their bare ass and flopper hanging out is as self-deprecating as it gets, with the loser not only showing their shit to everyone in attendance, but, more than likely, getting tackled to the ground by security and being banned from the stadium for life.
Oh, and don’t forget that the fantasy season ends in the dead of winter, so, yeah, there will be shrinkage—and there’s no excuse to help cover up what people see.
5. Eating 5 “The BOMB” Microwavable Burritos
If you’ve been to a gas station in the past decade, you know exactly what I’m referring to. The BOMB is the 14-inch, bean, cheese and meat-filled burrito that is a perfect treat for late-night college kids everywhere.
Just one will put a person on the toilet for an extended period of time, so imagine what five would do to someone’s ass?
Getting burned in fantasy football each week sucks, but it’s nothing compared to the burning sensation that the loser will feel if scarfing down multiple The BOMB burritos is the punishment of choice in your fantasy league.
4. The Fly Bowl
As brilliantly told by BroBible’s own Cass Anderson, players in his fantasy football league developed the “Fly Bowl” last year, where the league collects a total of $300 and tosses it into a pot for the loser to take the worst trip of their entire lives, with the winner of the league choosing the spot.
You can read the entire story here, but here’s a hint: It involves clowns, a creepy as fuck clown hotel, a cemetery just a few feet from that creepy as fuck clown hotel’s parking lot and, well, it sounds like hell on earth, I’ll put it that way.
Considering the loser also has to pay for the difference of the rotten trip out of their own pocket and, yeah, you would be smart to scratch and claw your way out of last-place to avoid this shit.
3. Shoving A Toy Car Up The Ass
In my opinion, there might not be anything worse—but, clearly, that’s a little bit of a lie since there are two more things ahead of this on my list.
Unlike the guys from the Jackass movie, who were doing it for a good laugh, having to be the dude who shoves a Hot Wheels up your anus because you decided to start Colin Kaepernick against a bad defense rather than stick with the sure thing in Peyton Manning against the top-rated pass defense, there’s absolutely no humor in this.
For those who would even think of this punishment, you’re some sick and perverted bros—and a hell of a lot ballsier than I am.
2. Anything That Involves The Safety Of One’s Wiener
Whether it’s the entire league take a swipe at the loser’s balls with a wiffle ball bat, or tying a string with a cinder block to their, ahem, unit, anything that makes a dude fear for his schlong is sever punishment.
Sure, it’s really over-the-top and unnecessary, but, if you’re ruthless enough and take your fantasy football serious enough, it should be in play. Plus, it’ll be interesting to see how much they trust the other guys in the league if you pull the cinder block test—is the string long enough or not? There’s only one way to really find out—drop it!
1. Banging A Family Member
Like a drug war—sorry, I’ve been watching a ton of Narcos on Netfilx this week—family is only used as a threat in the most extreme circumstances, and last-place in a fantasy football league is one of those times.
No one in their right mind would ever offer up their hot, younger sister for their buddies to corrupt, but if you’re twisted as all fuck and have no regard for them (or are just way overconfident) you might be dumb enough to actually do it.
I have a feeling someone will take this advice and blame my ass six months from now. To cover myself from that happening, I REPEAT: DO NOT EVER DO THIS ONE FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS!