Minnesota first graders who have yet to be jaded by life and still believe in fantasy terms like ‘hope’ and ‘potential’ and who don’t yet understand that after college all your dreams are invested in the successes and failures of your professional sports teams, wrote Minnesota Vikings kicker Blair Walsh letters of encouragement after he missed the 27-yard field goal heard round the world.
The letters do display empathy and compassion. Also puppies–which had zero place in any of this, but we’re okayed by the lenient teacher.
Let’s break down some of the letters.
“Dear Blair Walsh–you are the best player in the world.”
Ok, little brown noser, let’s make an effort to stay within the guidelines of the assignment without spitting out baseless assumptions that aren’t rooted in truth.
“You are handsome, don’t worry it’s just a game.”
That’s a non-sequitor, pal. Your final statement does not logically follow the previous argument. This is kindergarten shit. Be better.
“I know you missed that kick one time. You can do it next year.”
Is that a promise, Dylan? Do you know he can do it next year or are you just blowing smoke up his ass to skate out of the assignment and play on the jungle gym? This Dylan guy has ulterior motives and I for one don’t like it.
And then there’s this one. Might as well just fill this dude’s adderall prescription now for the future.
Good try, Billy. Good Try.