Fox Cameras Showing Jerry Jones’ Reaction To Realizing The Cowboys Are Dead Is So Beautifully Cruel

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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile Cry because it happened.” 

It is with great sadness that I announce that the world will no longer be afforded the opportunity to relish in the typhoid-infested diaper that was the 2019 Dallas Cowboys.

Leave it to the Cowboys to give their best performance of the season in a 47-16 win over the Redskins Sunday, only for the Eagles to urinate on it with the force necessary to eliminate a pesky poop stain.

It makes me sad. Watching Jerry Jones become publicly unhinged by this team and Jason Garrett just enthusiastically clap through it all has been one of the better NFL spectacles since Chris Foerster snorted enough alligator tails to sedate his entire offensive line.

The sadists at Fox News were licking their chops to capture the Cowboys’ unceremonious dying breath–played next to a McDonald’s commercial on a TV above the suite shitter.

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the ability to make sure Jason Garrett never gets another job in this league.” 

Look at Jason.

I love this dude. He’s easy to make fun of. But I respect a man with the integrity to huck a football around his soon-to-be old office looking like the Cowboys made him rich enough to never have to polish Jerry’s snakeskins again.

This feels like it will be a healthy breakup for both Jerry and Jason. Jason is going to blossom in 2020: Crush some beers Château d’Yquem Bordeaux Sauternes 2001s, chase some tail love his wife, and grow a beard try out a goatee thing for a while and feel super insecure about how people are receiving it and then shave it at the very mention of someone saying that it looks like he goes to tee ball games with no son on the team.

Go Peacefully my sweet, sweet Cowboys.




Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.