LeBron James is a Cleveland Cavalier. Again.
If you were in a coma over the past two weeks, LeBron James announced that he was returning to Cleveland to provide a personal stimulus package to the city. Blah, blah, blah–this isn’t ESPN, so I’m not going to bore you with the minutia of contract details, roster configuration or what this means for the league. Instead, I’m just pumped that Cleveland is going to be groupie/basic bitch capital of the sports world for the first time in history. Hoes per capita is the only stat we’re focused on here.
Yeah, most of the buildings are rust colored or poop brown, but that’s not going to stop Drake from buying a few condos and applying for an Ohio Driver’s Licenses to claim residency. You know, because he’s a fan of his friends.
But seriously, this was the biggest free-agency announcement for me:
LeBron James caused Dwyane Wade to straight up lose $11 Million dollars
The biggest loser of the “LeBron rescues Cleveland” saga was Dwyane Wade (2yr/31M). Again, not going to hit you with the minutia, but he opted-out of a guaranteed contract worth $11 million dollars more than what he ended up getting in an effort to appease LeBron and get him to stay in Miami. But, you know, life hits you with some unexpected curveballs.
Might hear a few “WHERE’S MY MONEY, BRON?!”s during the first Heat-Cavs game.
Also, Dwyane, your knee. Gross.
Chandler Parsons went HAM with Mark Cuban at the club and signed with the Dallas Mavericks
Sometimes you need to sign multi-million dollar (3yr/46M) contracts at the club. May not seem “right” to the casual person, but you cannot discount the fact that it creates a seamless transition for when the pen hits the ink and acquiring limitless bitches shortly thereafter. The main takeaway from this contract is that Chandler Parsons is making a SIGNIFICANT amount of money more than Dirk Nowitzki (3yr/25M). Either Dirk read a decimal wrong or has Chandler Parsons on deck to cook, clean and listen to his wife nag for him.
Daryl Morey had a rough go at it
Known as the king of analytics, insiders and NBAers everywhere expected the Rockets to make a big wave in the offseason. The progression went like this:
a) We cleared cap to make a run at LeBron and Carmelo
b) We cleared cap to make a run at
LeBron and Carmelo
c) Fuck it, we’ll get Bosh
d) Wait, where’d Parsons go
e) Eh, we’ll sign Trevor Ariza, he’s better, I think
f) Panic signings left and right
g) I’m still good at my job and no one can tell me different
The Lakers had a rougher go at it
If you get really drunk, fall on the ground and hit your head, then maybe you can convince yourself that this was a good offseason. Personally, I can’t wait to see Jack Nicholson’s confused, progressively senile stare as the shots he once saw go in suddenly stop getting close to the basket. On paper things sound awesome–Kobe Bryant coming off of every possible leg injury imaginable getting ignored by Swaggy P as he hoists up ill-advised threes with Jeremy Lin visibly sobbing in the corner. Might buy League Pass to watch everyone on this team slowly learn to hate basketball.
The Phoenix Suns are going to trot out 4 Point Guards and a Center next year
This has potential to be amazing. Phoenix has two very good point guards (Goran Dragic and Eric Bledsoe), so obviously they drafted one (Tyler Ennis, Syracuse) and signed another talented/proven player in Isaiah Thomas (4yrs/27M). Management looked at the white board, spit on it, and basically said “Fuck the idea and overall concept of positions.”
(JK, this is a VERY bad plan and will likely implode in their faces unless they make a move)
We found out that a bunch of dudes were still alive
Hey Ben Gordon (2yr/9M), you’re alive?!
Hey Marvin “former #2 pick in the draft even though you didn’t start on your college team” Williams (2yr/14M), happy to see you’re still breathing!
Honestly good to see Vince Carter (3yr/12M) continuing to get checks. #NeverForget
Carlos Boozer and his painted on hair got amnestied (dropped) off the Chicago Bulls roster
yo NBA teams, that dude with the paint-by-numbers hair, long-winded fadeaway and piss poor defense has been amnestied and is available
— WJ (@WMsDiary) July 15, 2014
Anytime you can drop that hair off the squad, you have to.
There you have it. Now go out there and win some bar bets with your sudden and unexpected NBA knowledge and ignore ESPN until the NFL starts. Dub’s got you covered.