Dear Tom Brady, High School Friends Will Always Be Superior To College Friends

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Tom Brady unhinged duckboats full of New Englanders this morning when he compared them to “high school friends” in response to his first return to Foxborough in Week 4 of the upcoming season.

Many believed Brady’s comments to be a slight against Chowdahead Nation, trading in his band of high school losers for a flashier bunch who rip shots and have access to Brad’s dad’s beach house.

I am here to argue the opposite. High school friends are, and will always be, superior to college friends. Here’s why.

  • They Loved You Pre-Glow Up

When you still holding some significant water weight, going through your Lloyd Christmas hair phase, and spent so much time playing Sega Saturn in Drew’s basement, you hadn’t seen the sun since Namath was ripping lung darts on the sidelines.

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Brady are those sweat stains on your shirt or did you spill your Surge? Clean it up. Drew’s mom will be home soon.

  • Witness To Many ‘Firsts’

Navigating the loss of your virginity, sprouting your first pubic hair, smoking your first bowl, and cheering your first ever touchdown pass—a 21-yard laser to Terry Glenn on October 14, 2001.

  • They’re Straight Shooters

Pandering and pleasantries have no place in high school relationships. High school friends will tell you straight up if you’re having a bad acne day, or you got food in your braces, or to never wear that fucking jacket again.

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That fit’s giving off strong Aaron Hernandez Right-Hand Man vibes. Cover your nose before popping the trunk.

  • They Respect Your Parents

Do me a favor and call three different college friends and ask them if they know your mother’s first name. Smart money’s on 0/3 because college friends want nothing outside of what your folks can provide them—a stocked fridge and a place to crash during Easter break.

High school friends have beaten the bag out of your little brother and seen your parents “toy drawer.”

  • They Defend The Indefensible 

I’m not a flexible man, but the amount of mental gymnastics I put myself through to defend the Massage Kiss ™ was reprehensible. I was even prepared to french my own dad to prove it’s normative. And what did it get me? Abandonment issues and a very weird relationship with my father.


October 3, 2021. See you then, Tom. Bring your “friends.”

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.