If Hulk Hogan could main event against twitter, he’d lose every time. And after celebrating his five-year anniversary of joining the social media site this week, he keeps finding fresh new ways to fail at it.
It’s not his fault he’s out of touch when he’s so busy tanning and calling strangers brother. The WWE should really nominate someone like Dolph Ziggler to teach these old-timers to suck less on new media.
But Hogan doesn’t care and Ziggler has better shit to do, so we’re the lucky spectators reaping the benefits. In honor of his twitterversary, here are all the times that Hulk Hogan was fucking terrible at it.
Hogan starts a twitter account August 19th, 2010. His problems seem to be immediate…
After normal welcome tweet that morning, Hogan was spiraling out of social media control by that evening. Either someone had him trapped in a van or the Internet frightens him as much it should.
On April 20th, 2010, Hogan tweets the single letter “I”
Just a day after joining, the Huckster is still at it and confidently tweeting the letter I. Whether it was a butt tweet or a dad tweet, it didn’t matter. It was a sign of the awesomely awful tweeting yet to come.
Hogan gets overwhelmed December 15th, 2010, and tries to go back to texting
It seems like Hogan has had a tough time adjusting in his first year and would like to return to a medium he understands. Sure, you can text us, brother. Let’s get weird.
Hogan the spends most of 2011 telling his followers to eat fruit
Hogan spent an absurd amount of 2011 trying to get the catchphrase, “be cool and eat fruit,” to land. He dropped the fiber friendly sound bite on an ESPN interview that year and on social media whenever he got the chance. I’m not sure where the saying came from or went, but I’d rather be a jerk and eat Cheetos.
In June 2012 Hogan happily retweeted a guy who went balls deep on his daughter
When Hogan retweeted a guy who went “balls deep” on his little Brooke, we all just hoped (and doubted) that he didn’t know what it meant. Either way, he’s basically the anti-Curt Schilling.
Hogan posts his own creepy tweet about his daughter on January 27th, 2013
Not to be outdone by balls-deep guy, Hogan tried his hand at being gross about Brooke too. And it worked, appropriately upping his creepy-dad cred for the first time since the butt oil incident. He gave her those legs, and he can post about them for as many weirdos as he wants to.
On May 26th 2013 a radiator exploded in Hogan’s hand and he live-tweeted every detail
Whatcha gonna do when a radiator explodes on you? Live-tweet disgusting pictures of the debacle with your surviving hand, of course. When one pic would’ve covered it, he posted a series of his bubble-burns with captions like “Triple ouch.” Sadly, no Triple H pun was intended there.
In March 2014 he’s tricked into retweeting a picture of a kidnapped girl
If he wasn’t so bad at twitter already, I’d almost feel bad for him falling for this prank. He accidentally retweeted a picture Madeleine McCann in response to sicko @CarlRoney’s request claiming she’s a fan, when in reality she’s a girl that’s been missing since 2007. In a perfect world, Hogan would’ve had the sense to realize it and track down this troll for the leg drop of a lifetime.
But it’s not a perfect world and Hogan learned nothing…
Not even a month later he falls for this trick again, this time with a pedophile who kept his kids locked in a basement. Even if the doctored “World’s Best Dad,” t-shirt threw him off (Hulk doesn’t speak photoshop), he should’ve been on guard about it being April 1st alone. It’s April fucking fools day — act like you’ve been here before.
This past week, Hogan accidentally tweeted out his phone number
Most recently Hogan has managed to become a double threat, sucking and tweeting and DMing simultaneously. The only thing better then him tweeting out his phone number, was the fact that he didn’t seem to notice it for over a week. If he really wanted to chat that badly he could’ve just started a podcast like everyone else.
And last but not least, he signs every tweet with HH
Dude. We know who you are. Even if your name wasn’t on your twitter handle we could pick out your should-be parody account a mile away. Signing off every tweet and reply with your initials doesn’t clarify anything, it just confuses me into thinking you are my dad.