Jim Harbaugh Bro Tip: If You Want To Date Her, DON’T. STOP. CALLING.

You know that old saying “no means no?” Well, Harbaugh read it as “no means call back eight more times until you intimidate her into dating you.” Zero chill. I can’t say I’m surprised–if anyone was going to harass someone to go out with them, I’d bet the family farm his last name would be Harbaugh. I’m actually surprised he didn’t take up the stakes, like sending one of those Good Year blimps flying past her house with a banner that read “Date Me Or Die. Love, Jim.” Or knocking on her door pretending to be a jehovah’s witness and when she opens, he forces himself in and drops his pants.

Regardless, his persistency paid off. He’s married and my thumb hurts from swiping right on Tinder. Maybe I should change my current approach of sheepishly texting a girl something like “Maybe we can go on a date? Or not. Whatever. I need this.” And when she doesn’t respond, I get super self-conscious and send a scathing follow-up like:

Fuck it, we all die alone anyway.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.