Jimmy Garoppolo’s Childhood Friend: ‘He Doesn’t Have A Girlfriend, He Has All The Girlfriends’

You’re having your five-year anniversary dinner with your wife. One of them fancy places where they clean the crumbs off the table in between courses. You can’t afford it, but that’s what credit cards are for.

You’re floating the idea of sex after dinner, but the food is making you both bloated and do have an episode of the Bachelor to catch up on. You had sex last month anyway.

Just before the waiter brings out your entrees, Jimmy Garoppolo sits in between you two and–as if you’re not even there–begins laying it on thick with your wife.

Do you stop it? Or do you succumb to the painful truth: Jimmy G is in every way better than you. Better athlete. Better skin. Better smile. Better financial standing. Better mate.

The man a $137 million contract, has the complexion of Mario Lopez with the dimples to match, and just punched his ticket to the Super Bowl.

“If only he was handsome,” said Doug Millsaps, his former coach at Rolling Meadows High, “he would have it all.”

Mercury News spoke with Garoppolo’s teammates and inner circle in the lead-up to the NFC Championship about how Jimmy’s meteoric success has affected the man from Los Angeles Rolling Meadows, Illinois.

“What you see now is pretty much what he’s always been, the humble, excitable, nice-guy type of kid — or man he is coming to be,”  said Tony Garoppolo, Jimmy’s dad, an electrician who coached Little League for his boys. “We’re just so excited for Jimmy.”

Those close with Jimmy confirmed that the 28-year-old has never had a serious girlfriend.

“He’s focused on football, not trying to settle down,” said Neal Zeman, who grew up across the street from the Garoppolos and will be attending his fifth 49er game of this season Sunday. “He’s always been kind of single for the most part. My joke has always been, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he has all the girlfriends.”

Those “girlfriends,” we know a few. Garoppolo famously dated 42-year-old adult film star Kiara Mia, who he apparently met through social media.

Kiara’s assessment of Jimmy is reasonable: he’s “sexy as f***” and was a true gentlemen. She also predicted Jimmy would take the Niners to the Super Bowl because “everything I touch turns to gold.”

Niners by 69,690.

[h/t Mercury News]