Joakim Noah Playing Tonsil Hockey With A Hot Model On A Yacht In Ibiza Makes Me Wish I Worked A Bit More On My Jumper

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Joakim Noah isn’t what one would call traditionally good-looking. The dude looks like a taller, less kept version of Russell Brand’s character Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I guess the only thing you need to pull top notch chicks is grow your hair out, be the lead singer of Infant Sorrow, or get handed a  four-year, $72 million contract after coming off the worst season of your NBA career. All the rest of us have to do it the hard way: swipe right on Tinder until we find someone whose willing to make a terrible, terrible mistake.

Anyhoo, Noah was spotted on a yacht in Ibiza Wednesday sucking hardcore face with a chick who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire. An absolute scud missile. 11/10. Do I know her name? No. Does Noah? Probably not.

Hope you’re having fun, Noah. Not like you should be rehabbing that injured shoulder or maybe getting up some shots since your field goal percentage last year was smaller than my successful attempts at talking to chicks at the bar. Nah. Stay on the boat eating caviar and making out with that God send. I’ll just be over here throwing darts at your face while sobbing over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

#TBT to Noah probably having sex with a stranger in the ocean. Cool Noah. Cool.

[h/t TMZ]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.