Upon the conclusion of each and every NFL season, all 32 teams are doled out incredibly useful performance grades from various reporters across the country. At times, these ruthless report cards have a tendency to weigh on the shoulders of each franchise like an unwelcome hippo for the duration of the offseason.
But rather than focus on a particular team’s offense, defense, or comical coaching staff, this report card will be a little different. Because we’re here to talk about, and grade, Johnny Manziel’s rookie season — month by month — dating back to the night he got drafted.
Why? Because it was announced on Monday that the Browns QB would be entering rehab.
“On behalf of Johnny and his family, we’re asking for privacy until he rejoins the team in Cleveland.”
Call it what you will. Maybe it’s a desperate plea for positive PR and a fresh pair of kid gloves for the media. Or perhaps we can all take it for what it is, and wish the troubled wind-up toy the best of luck in his effort to get better.
One we thing I can say for sure is that Johnny Football didn’t play a whole lot on the field this year, but I’m not sure anyone outside of Cleveland gave a shit. After all, it’s 2015. What you do off the field has become just as significant as your play on the field.
So, without further ado, let’s take a look back at the overcrowded train that quickly went off the rails in glamorous fashion.
May 2014
Drafted! But it was a deflating 22nd overall, with even a drooling Jerry Jones shockingly passing on the Heisman Trophy winner. Not to mention an alleged scouting report from the New England Patriots, one that featured sensual compliments, like “high, knotted calves,” “thickness through the thighs and bubble” and that that he sports “big hands and feet.”
Ah yes, the timeless, enticing trait of thickness in the bubble, one that what propelled living legends like Joe Montana, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady into NFL lore.
The beauty of the leaked “report” was Bill Belichick responding with this beautiful gem:
“I’ve read a fraction of it, but we have a ton of information on all the players that are in the draft. What’s online, you should go talk to the geniuses that are online. I don’t know. MyFace, YourFace, InstantFace, go talk to whoever you want that does that stuff. I don’t know.”
Fantastic. Sounds an awful lot like when a spirited Clark Griswold said “Kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass.” Whenever The Bill decides to go full Bill, it’s always a passive-aggressive snippet of excellence.
Nonetheless, on draft night, Johnny Football celebrated as if he actually did get picked No. 1 overall, in the form of getting loose with a magnum of champagne and a tie that more than likely ended up affixed to some chick’s bulbous breast. And then there was that night out with Drake and a bunch of less than stellar young ladies. And, what I presume, a night Johnny wishes he remembers. Hey, we’ve all been there.
Naturally, the month of celebrating his ascendance to the next level ended in Las Vegas — Johnny’s home away from home — where he reportedly “went nuts” hanging out with Diplo and defiantly wearing his hat backwards, much to the chagrin of middle-aged men wearing various shades of Dockers. This also happened to be the weekend Johnny formed an unholy alliance with GRONK, birthed through an outward affinity for tits, ass, and devilish smirks.
But training camp hadn’t started yet, so who cares, right? Right??
Off-Field Grade: A+
On-Field Grade: TBD
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: FUCK!
June 2014
In June, Johnny quickly convinced those who have yet to visit the city of Austin, to book a ticket sooner than later. The pool fun from TMZ is certainly worth the watch if, for nothing else, some of the seductive bathing attire. Possibly of more significance, however, might be Johnny housing a throwback Cavs hat, confirming just how serious he was about … the city of Cleveland? And I suppose his passion for inflatable pool toys, too.
Johnny’s crusade of nonsense would continue to truck on with the expected amount of style and grace, as evidenced by his infamous fake phone call using an enormous stack of cash as a prop. Yes, it took less than two months — TWO MONTHS! — for him to become the NFL’s version of Floyd Mayweather, only without any professional accomplishments. Which is to say, it was an incredible feat. One that would take most athletes years upon years of practicing an astonishing degree of self-importance to accomplish.
Basically, being Johnny Football is akin to winning the lottery every day, even though you didn’t buy a ticket.
Off-Field Grade: A+
On-Field Grade: TBD
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: FUCK!
July 2014
Johnny Manziel + Justin Bieber + Floyd Mayweather = HOLY CRAP IT’S ONLY JULY!
Joining forces with two of the most polarizing figures in the entire world in such a short amount of time — to troll said world — is deserving of some kind of award that should include, at the very least, a bronzed 30-pack of Bud Light and an authentic mold of Kim Kardashian’s vagina.
And yet, the month had hardly begun.
After that, it was back to Austin to play the role of impromptu bartender and slug champagne, which was followed by a quick trip to Vegas for a stay the Real World suite— an evening that definitely did not involve coke, booze, and a sea of tits.
The Johnny Football conga line then bolted East, stopping by Storyville in Boston to party with … wait for it … more hot chicks! Alongside him that evening were Eagles linebacker Bryan Braman and Patriots defensive tackle Joe Vellano, serving as large, loyal bookends.
This happened to be the night after Johnny was spotted at Fenway Park surrounded by a foursome of women who appeared to be unsure of their spot in the rotation. Judging by the photos, though, it appears the pecking order was worked out by Manziel, a charismatic, chemistry-building skipper in the making.
How Johnny wasn’t forced onto the Physically Unable to Perform list at this point remains as perplexing as his traveling schedule and merciless dick.
However, at the close of July, Johnny narrowed down his merry harem of whores to one woman: Colleen Crowley, of Instagram “great tits” fame. Now I don’t know about you, but “Hit the club want you you you” hits on all the levels of depth and sincerity as Lisa Simpson “Choo-Choo-Choosing” Ralph Wiggum. If nothing else, it was an inspiring month of old fashioned romance.
Off-Field Grade: A+
On-Field Grade: TBD
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: DOUBLE FUCK!
August 2014
Ah yes, August, the month where the Cleveland Browns began to complicate Johnny’s schedule.
The team fun started when the rookie QB, along with a few others, apparently missed a team meeting due to misreading a schedule. Sounds like an honest mistake. But since it was Johnny Football, quantum leaps were made and it was widely assumed that Manziel was not only “horsing around,” but perhaps even partaking in some “tomfoolery.”
What a fucking maniac!
Less than a week later — one that featured a ceremonial flipping-of-the-bird to the Redskins bench — Brian Hoyer was named the team’s starter, giving Johnny a clipboard and a glowing green light to continue going apeshit at warp speed.
To the surprise of no one, it was suggested by a Browns beat writer that Johnny lost the starting job due to his partying ways. Another reasonable theory for him not getting the starting nod might be that Manziel was a 21-year-old rookie. Too logical, I know. So … was it the partying, Johnny?
Off-Field Grade: C-
On-Field Grade: A+ (ya know, for the finger)
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: JESUS H. FUCK
September 2014
Johnny got some brief playing time against the Saints and threw an incomplete pass. Fascinating stuff.
But do you remember when he presented his Heisman Trophy with a brand new Rolex?
Man, he’s the best. And you just know he talks to that thing in a baby voice to this very day.
The following day against the Ravens, he did catch a 39-yard pass from Hoyer that tragically ended up being called back. Shame on you, zebras. Shame on you.
Off-Field Grade: A
On-Field Grade: V for Versatility
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: Confused Labrador Retriever
October / November 2014
Dare I say that nothing crazy happened in October regarding Johnny Manziel? Well, it appears to be true. So here, enjoy this timeless piece of art. Hell, frame this shit.
Interestingly enough, the Browns went 3-1 that month. Right here is where you raise your eyebrow like a seasoned soap opera actor. Or the Rock. Your choice, really.
Then along came November and, according to several reports, some bro celebrating his brother’s birthday spotted Manziel in a hotel lobby. He excitedly said hello and tried to “dap him.” Though in lieu of dapping the attempted dap, Johnny’s posse opted for a giant brawl. Of course.
The key takeaway here? You do not dap or bro-hug Johnny Football unless it’s hugging time. And it was not hugging time. Hugging time is never to be fucked with. Oh, and the Browns were “concerned of the timing.” I guess Thanksgiving week is not an acceptable time to partake in an all-out rumble. Sure, sure. Try explaining that to your unhinged uncle after his seventh turkey day scotch.
But, Johnny did get to play some football after all, and happened to do so against the Bills! Great news, right? Momentarily, sure. Sadly, his performance was quickly turned into a hilarious meme.
RIP Johnny Football. Sad face? Sad face.
Off-Field Grade: F-
On-Field Grade: Dead
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: Reminder to Google “Dap”
December 2014
Somehow, though, Johnny managed to rise from the ashes, being named the Week 16 starter. Unfortunately, he went 10-of-18 for 80 yards and two picks. The Browns predictably lost 30-0, and everyone in Cleveland remained mentally unstable and astoundingly obese, just as we all drew it up.
Two weeks later, he was fined for being late to treatment.
Yes, everything was finally coming together.
Though the real highlight of the month came when Manziel’s longtime friend discussed his buddy’s ascension to Elvis-like status. Timely. Just what the Browns doctor ordered.
Finally, a mere two days after the regular season ended, Johnny was spotted in Miami being … Johnny. Sitting shotgun at the pool was devoted, bubbly hump mate, Colleen Crowley. Oh yes, there’s a damn good reason this dude never really felt like reading the playboook.
That same day, his night time adventure featured a birthday shoutout to LeBron “Bronnie” James. When the only thing you have in common with someone is the state of Ohio, you are royally fucked. Or soon to be royally fucked.
Off-Field Grade: Boobs
On-Field Grade: 0-for-Everything
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: Bleached Brain
January 2015
Happy New Year, bro! And what a start to 2015 it was, as one of his teammates was quoted as saying “Manziel throughout the entire 2014 season was a ‘100 percent joke.’”
Yes, the onslaught had begun. Everyone hates Johnny. He’s apparently an unprepared, immature, unaccountable drunk.
Surprise, surprise. Another flaccid offseason of bad memories and unfulfilled dreams for fans of the Cleveland Browns? You don’t say.
Off-Field Grade: PR Disaster
On-Field Grade: It’s Browns tradition to stay off the field in January. Duh.
Inner-Monologue of Browns Management: Seek and Destroy
February 2015
Manziel checks into rehab and here our story…pauses.
Best of luck, Johnny. We’re excited about your sophomore campaign and taking both of your games to the next level. Responsibly, of course.