NFL Fashion Review, Divisional Playoff Edition: Russell Wilson Has Absolutely No Idea How To Dress Himself

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Following a ridiculous wildcard weekend that saw the Vikings steal one in New Orleans and the Titans take down the Patriots, some normalcy thankfully returned to the NFL with the Niners taking care of Minnesota with ease and the Chiefs advancing to the AFC Championship, as they should. But — and it’s a big but — the Titans are still around after pretty much trouncing the No. 1 seeded Ravens in every which way. The fallout should be fine for Lamar Jackson, though. No hot takes with extra sizzle will be had!

“No disrespect,” but actually a boatload of disrespect. Never change, Stephen A. Please oh please never change.

And how about Hall of Fame President David Baker, who surprised both Bill Cowher and Jimmy Johnson on-set with the announcement of their HoF inductions. Very cool moments, no doubt, but the man himself is fascinating.

Honestly, 6’9 and 400 pounds — even as absurd as that is — feels like a colossal understatement based on his cartoonish presence. The guy makes NFL players, both former and current, look like busboys at best. You’re a national treasure, Mr. Baker, and everyone adores you. Now, if he fails to show up Monday Night Raw, there will be riots.

Anyway, let’s move along here and get ourselves to the real purpose of why we’re here, which is to either praise or incessantly mock all the fashion attempts we saw off the field.

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Patrick Mahomes

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LOCKED in 🔒

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Patrick Mahomes definitely has a “3-2-1 agreement” with the team photographer because each week we’re treated to the most dead serious, dramatic Patrick Mahomes ever. He’s never this serious, even in the toughest moments. Alas, he even made a fist just up to up the intimidation ante. And hey, more power to him. Down 24-0, win 51-31, all while making it look far easier than it was.

Russell Wilson

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❄️❄️❄️

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Fun Fact: When Russell Wilson takes off his gloves and straightens his arms, his sleeves hit the ground.

Additional Fun Fact: This new “winter border” theme the Seahawks have been using on Instagram absolutely sucks.

Bonus Russell Wilson

This is one of those rare examples of when a bunch of high-end clothing and accessories miraculously fall from the sky and somehow land on the shoulders of the very last person they belong on. Which is to say, I love how absurdly ridiculous this ensemble turned out. Hats off to everyone who helped make this happen!

Kirk Cousins

I’ve been killing Kirk Cousins all season long and was 100% convinced it would come back to bite my balls off and end up winning in San Francisco after a crazy win over the Saints. Thankfully, I was right. You can’t trust this guy — let alone put money on this guy — in big games, ever. And frankly, I don’t trust anyone who constantly looks so uptight that even a simple photograph has the ability to make you uncomfortable for them.

Derrick Henry

This is the definition of a clean look. Take into account those worldly Nike Fear Of Gods and you have yourself a very rare but well deserved, 10/10. The guy looks like he’s about to kill it in a deeply moving Kanye video or kill the Ravens to the tune of 180 yards on the ground. Probably both.

Now please check out the walk into the stadium. This is a man who knows damn well what’s about to happen and that brief stare directly into camera might very well eat your soul. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B7NL0nEhXVw/

Travis Kelce

 

Sensing a theme here. Also much like King Henry, that’s how you make an entrance. Enough confidence emanating from Kelce there to fill the Rose Bowl.

Jimmy Garoppolo


Jimmy GQ, experiencing an immaculate hair day, seen here pulling the old “I wanna make sure you see my watch” trick. Veteran move.

Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers embracing bomber jackets and leather jackets as of late has been a refreshing change. Still, that gray tinsel in his beard remains very problematic.

Lamar Jackson & Some Ravens

Justin Tucker is an all-time kicker but including him in this gameday collage felt hilarious. Wild approach! He wore a plain black hoodie and combed his hair.

What we do need to do, however, is pull Lamar Jackson and Hollywood Brown from this grouping and discuss the duo’s joint electricity. Of all the things seen in this photo — including a sea of chains — Lamar’s toothpick really says it all. I still can’t believe that’s the last we’ll see of these guys. Just an unbelievably crazy couple of weeks.


Sadly, his postgame “drip” was beyond depressing. My god, the offseason is gonna feel like a decade for Lamar.

Mecole Hardman

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Jet coming in icy ❄️✈️

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Mecole Hardman, the Chiefs’ cheetah of a kick returner, should receive some kind of award for this getup and, at the very least, a 120-minute standing ovation a the Golden Globes, The Grammys, and The Oscars. Screw the ESPYs.

Al Michaels’ Hair!!

Yes, Al Michaels got a super-aggressive paint job for the big Niners-Vikings game, but he’s Al Michaels. He has a lifetime pass to do whatever he wants, as opposed to Jason Witten, who went from being bald last season to wearing an embarrassing bulbous wig that could’ve doubled as a rooftop to a tiki bar.

Tajaé Sharpe

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Sum 2 Prove #GMRxBGE #UsNevaThem

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I continue to know jack shit about Titans WR Tajaé Sharpe — and for good reason — what I do know is Russell Wilson should probably hire his stylist immediately because things, ya know, fit and stuff. Imagine that.

J.J. Watt

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We’re here. #HOUvsKC #WeAreTexans

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J.J. Watt, much like Aaron Rodgers, at long last finally found his fashion stride but what we really need to know is why he carries a soda bottle in his back pocket — that thing’s gonna explode — and what kind of psycho walks around with their hand in their pocket like that? A very troubling scene in general.

Emmanuel Sanders

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Sum 2 Prove

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Emmanuel Sanders subtly trolling his old team, the Broncos, with the blue jacket and orange bag? Possibly, if you count 0.000001% as a possibility.

Kenny Stills

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☀️ ✈️ ❄️

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The Texans lost and I’m quite certain this is a shot of Kenny Stills about to board a private charter to Milan with his team of stylists to discuss next season’s strategy.

Marlon Humphrey

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🔒 in

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Marlon Humphrey should spend his offseason strictly auditioning for movies and TV shows that take place in the 70s, maybe the early 80s too. A complete lock to steal a scene and, in turn, crush the ego of some veteran actor.

Jeffery Simmons?

https://www.instagram.com/p/B7KFXBog44k/

You bet your sweet ass, Jeffery Simmons. Look at the big fella going above and beyond for the big business trip to Baltimore. He went for the sack AND the fumble with this effort. Always have to appreciate the biggest dogs in the yard getting in on the fun.

Kyle Rudolph

Walk into a crowded room wearing that coat and the music stops and everyone parts like the Red Sea so you can get to your seat, which may or may not be a throne.

Kwon Alexander

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How we feelin, Faithful?!

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Kwon Alexander made his triumphant return to the field after getting injured in Week 9. His signature red dreads and giant earrings that represent No. 56 have been dearly missed.

Za’Darius Smith

A Milwaukee Bucks “Cream City” jersey with a cream coat go together like peanut butter and jelly. There’s just something about players wearing jerseys from other major sports that always, always wins.

A.J. Brown

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📍 Baltimore

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Is it simply too much to ask for the pants to occasionally meet the shoes? Would a 50/50 “8 weeks on, 8 weeks off” deal work? Because this is a great, clean look until it’s not.

George Kittle

George Kittle wearing an old school WWE Rock “Brahma Bull” jersey might’ve been the least surprising thing ever. F’ing classic. Just when I think it’s impossible to like this guy any more than I already do, he goes and does shit like this. The People’s Tight End, indeed.

David Bakhtiari

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YEET! #SEAvsGB #GoPackGo

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A camo YEET shirt? Whatever works for the lost Cody brother who will no doubt be the standout star of Animal Kingdom, Season 5.

Deebo Samuel

https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Rkr4_BXxi/

The Louis Vuitton Don of all NFL rookies. Scroll to the next pic above to get the true and very clear idea of why that’s the case. And let’s not forget that enormous chain! That one has gotta be Lamar and Hollywood approved.

Kevin Byard

A sincere THANK YOU to Titans safety Kevin Byard for completing a simple yet refined look, and not ruining it by wearing fishing waders or some shit.

George Kittle’s “The Rock” Cleats

OK, just tell us when The Rock-George Kittle Under Armour commercial is coming out.

Aaron Jones & Friends

It’s been weeks since we’ve seen Aaron Jones and his prized sombrero and this is the best that could be found. Oh well. Whatever, I’ll take it.

Kyle Shanahan (Mostly His Hat)

This tweet is hilarious and so accurate there’s almost nothing more to add. Though I must ask, do you want your coach to look like a standard issued Rex Ryan-Mike McCarthy-Freddie Kitchens, or like someone who actually has his own sense of style?

Stefon Diggs’ Cleats

It’s been real, Stefon Diggs. A Full House tribute was one helluva way to go out. See you next year (in a different uniform).