Paul Pierce’s Reaction To Getting Fired By ESPN For Stripper Video Is Impossible To Hate

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Salacious Content. Potted Apology Tweet Written In Notes App. Three Month Fade To Obscurity. Return A Diminished Man. Rinse. Repeat.

This is the singular playbook for every public figure who’s accidentally publicized private messages, found shrimp tails in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or masturbated on a New York Times all-hands Zoom meeting.

Paul Pierce chose to write his own glitter-speckled playbook over the weekend, unlike his former teammate and Celtics betrayer Ray Allen, who balled up in the fetal position and played the “hacked” card for the federal crime of being horny online.

In review: Pierce filled his Saturday night with a game of poker with the fellas, an in-home haircut, and a booze fest with several multi-national strippers who twerked on a livestream to his 858,000 Instagram followers.

If you look at those four photos and see something other than a grown man living his life, then I think it’s best we end our online rendezvous right here.

Within hours, the suits at ESPN decided that this act was *Bill Burr Voice* ABSOLUTELY REPREHENSIBLE and acted predictably.

Pierce, obviously rattled, penned a 250-word apolog—just kidding, he literally does not give a shit.

Can someone hand me $200 million in career earnings so I can quit my job and laugh at my employer from my custom stone terrace? That’d be greeeeat.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.