On Sunday, the city of Philadelphia took home its first major championship since the Phillies won the World Series in 2008 when the Eagles secured their first Lombardi Trophy, and they continued their proud tradition of commemorating the occasion by taking to the streets and fucking shit up. On Thursday, fans will descend upon Center City, Logan Square, and beyond for the parade being held to honor the occasion in a celebration that will likely be much more subdued barring any fallout from the free Bud Light being given out at bars along the route.
I’m guessing that more than a few people will have the nerve to call in “sick” despite feeling perfectly fine, and it appears the city has already resigned itself to the reality that jack shit will get done on Thursday. Yesterday, the Philadelphia School District and the archdiocese responsible for running the city’s privates schools have announced classes have been cancelled on Thursday so kids can attend the parade without having to worry about getting Ferris Buellered.
Superintendent William Hite called the parade a “once in a lifetime event”— a statement that could be interpreted a couple of ways depending on how you look at half-full glasses— but said students will be expected to be back in school on Friday so they can continue to learn vital life lessons like how to climb poles and the physics of flipping cars.
That exhaling sound you hear is all of the kids and parents with an irrational obsession with perfect attendance simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief.