5 Reasons To Be Pissed That You Missed ‘Raw’

This week, Raw emanates live (taped for US) from the United Kingdom. Home to…British people? Before we get into the recap, here are the five reasons you should have watched (assuming you didn’t) Raw.

Michael Cole Is Back! Trust Us, It’s Not A Bad Thing

After two weeks of Byron Saxton monotoning it through Raw, Michael Cole and his shoes have returned to the lead announce position on Raw. At least Cole gets excited about segments and tries to get the audience excited and..fuck it, I can’t sell Michael Cole. He’s better than Saxton right now and you’re just going to have to trust us on that.

Lana Has Never Looked Better

Lana has been popping in and out of Raw in recent weeks while filming a new movie. That movie is not Pitch Perfect 3 which seems to be on the horizon, even though Pitch Perfect 2 hasn’t even been added to your girlfriend’s Netflix cue yet. Lana has cameo in the second film and let’s hope in the third installment they explain that her character went off to Russia to study abroad, met a guy and is now a Russian sympathizer.

Bray Wyatt Is…

…whatever this thing is and it took a couple seconds for us to realize he’s not facing the other way. Wyatt is getting closer to telling us who he’s talking about and to opening his own jacket design shop. You’ll see.

Team Hell No Is Back! Kidding, But This…

Too much has happened between Kane and Daniel Bryan since the break-up of Team Hell No, but, for this entire segment we thought “what if?” regarding one more Team Hell No run. Just one more. Do we want it? YES! YES! YES!

The Divas Get Porked During The Battle Royal

There was a Divas battle royal to crown the number one contender for the Divas championship. The sign says it all — somebody is getting pork. The shorted battle royal in history lasted slightly longer after most of the women were eliminated ridiculously (Emma climbed the top rope in a battle royal for fuck’s sake) and Naomi lost her mind after losing to Paige. But the real winners in the battle royal were…

The REAL Bella Twins

They’ll always been top contenders.

And now, on to the official Raw recap…

SEGMENT 1: John Cena comes out to a usual hostile UK crowd. Again, any time Cena says that a crowd is “fired up” that means they’re boo’ing the shit out of him. He butters the crowd up though quickly by saying that London deserves a Wrestlemania. That’s the ONE thing that I actually respect about John Cena, he can be bombing with a crowd then he turns it all around by finding a quick way to pander to them for a cheap pop. John Cena kicks Raw off with the United States Championship open challenge and out comes Bad News Barrett (to a babyface reaction of course).

God bless this UK crowd for even thinking that Bad News Barrett is going to actually walk out of Raw as the United States Champion. John Cena picks up the win only to be interrupted by a returning Lana to the crowd’s delight! Rusev attacks Cena from behind with a chain and Lana informs us that at Extreme Rules it will be John Cena vs Rusev for the United States Championship in a “Russian Chain Match” as opposed to those bitch-ass American chains.

And now I feel the need to create an improv troupe called A Russian Chain Match.

SEGMENT 2: Divas Battle Royal. The Bellas join the commentary team which means my TV will be on mute for the duration of this Battle Royal. Paige wins a chance at the Diva’s Championship at Extreme Rules. I hope the match is some kind of special stipulation, like if Paige wins WWE is forced to explain why The Bellas’ feud never came to a close. Nikki wished death upon Brie in the womb!!

Naomi attacks Paige after the match and apparently turns heel. So now Paige is the only babyface on the Diva roster.

Another Bray Wyatt promo. I personally love Bray Wyatt and his promos but some of them sound like incoherent ramblings of an Alzheimer’s patient. Regardless of all the words, words, words, I still give him 100% of my attention when he is onscreen.

SEGMENT 3: Lucha Dragons VS The Ascension. My how The Ascension has descended. They didn’t even get their entrance on TV this week. The Lunchables pick up the quick win over The Ascension.

SEGMENT 4: Roman Reigns comes out to talk about Wrestlemania, Brock Lesnar, Seth Rollins and how he’s basically the mayor of Suplex City. The Big Show interrupts and rambles about The Andre The Giant Battle Royal or something…I’m not sure. Big Show always sounds like his mouth is full of cheeseburgers. I don’t understand WWE’s logic behind putting Roman Reigns in a continued feud with Big Show. It didn’t work the first time and it certainly isn’t going to work a second time around. Big Show comes out and assaults Roman Reigns to further this feud deeper into the grave by throwing Reigns against the English taxi then chokeslamming Reigns on top of it.

SEGMENT 5: Randy Orton VS Cesaro. If Randy Orton wins, he’ll be able to pick the stipulation against Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules. Tyson Kidd gets involved and causes Cesaro to get DQ’d only to have Kane come out and make the match a handicap match. Every time I see Cesaro, Tyson Kidd and Natalya all I think about is them remaking the movie I Love You, Man. Awesome match between the three and Randy Orton delivers an RKO out of no where on a flying Tyson Kidd to pick up the win.

Backstage Seth Rollins, J & J Security and Kane watch Orton pick up the win and they have another argument about whose fault this is…rabbit season, duck season, rabbit season. Kane delivers a callback and a sick burn (no pun intended) to Jamie Noble about hooking up Jamie’s testicles to a car battery if he angers Kane anymore. I think Kane should leave the Fifty Shades of Grey kinky stuff back in 2002 with Shane McMahon.

SEGMENT 6: Dean Ambrose vs Adam Rose. Dean Ambrose picks up the quick win over Adam Rose. Never thought I’d say it, but Adam Rose has lost all momentum since losing The Bunny.

SEGMENT 7: Stardust vs Fandango for some reason. Stardust picks up a quick win over a diva match length match. Fandango then dumps Rosa and says that he’s figured out what the problem is, he needs to share his dance skills with everyone. Then the biggest pop I’ve ever heard since Brock Lesnar killed Michael Cole & a cameraman, the old Fandango music hits to the entire crowd Fandango-ing. It’s baaaaaack. Fandango has turned face solely based off of music…OFF OF MUSIC!!

SEGMENT 8: Seth Rollins vs Kane. If Seth Rollins wins then he’ll ALSO be able to pick a stipulation for Extreme Rules against Randy Orton??! Kane has a hard time laying down for Rollins to pick up the win until he finally snaps and chokeslams Seth Rollins. Kane then lays down and pulls Seth Rollins onto him so Rollins could pick up the win. Kane’s internal battle must be going on because he knows May 19th is right around the corner.

SEGMENT 9: The Miz vs Damien Mizdow (with Summer Rae) I’m amazed that this feud is STILL going on and Damien Mizdow hasn’t said the phrase, “The name…IS SANDOW” yet. Also, if this crowd erupted for Fandango’s old music, imagine what they would’ve done for Damien Sandow’s “Hallelujah” music. Damien gets the win over The Miz.

SEGMENT 10: Def Comedy Jam presents: The Prime Time Players. Whoever is writing The Prime Time Players’ insult promos, they’re doing a terrific job! Titus & Darren are both extremely charismatic and it’s refreshing to see them getting something to sink their teeth into.

SEGMENT 11: Ryback vs Luke Harper. I LOVE Luke Harper. I really wish that WWE would do something with him other than putting him in random dead end matches that lead to nowhere. And as I finish typing that sentence, Dean Ambrose bust onto the scene to attack Luke Harper. Looks like Ambrose & Harper are going to be feuding and you can color me interested in crazy vs crazy.

SEGMENT 12: Dolph Ziggler comes out an issues an open challenge for anyone in the back right after calling Kane The Devil’s Favorite Dumbass. Neville answers the call and now we have Ziggler vs Neville and the Internet just became pregnant at the thought of this match. I feel like WWE throws away possible money matches on Raw and Smackdown. Neville and Ziggler on paper would probably make a great PPV match. Unbelievable match up between the two. Neville did a 450 Splash off the crowd barricade and somewhere in a Waffle House basement, Jeff Hardy is weeping. Ziggler picks up the win only to have Davy Sheamus Jones barge in and attack Ziggler & Neville.

THE MAIN EVENT: An Extreme Decision. No seriously…this is considered the main event. Randy Orton and Seth Rollins decide the stipulations for their WWE Championship match at Extreme Rules. Rollins bans the RKO from the match. Orton makes it a cage match to keep J&J Security and The Authority out of the match. The show ends with people getting tossed in leather recliners. (Program note — No recliners were injured in the making of this match)

Follow @adamlucidi on Twitter.