Daniel Bryan returns! But…
Daniel Bryan returned to Raw to explains that he’s been going to a lot of doctors and that he’s had a lot of down time. Bryan says that he needs to be where the action is and thanks the fans for treating him so special for the past few years because no one in the back believed that he was something so special. Bryan says that it was tough when Stephanie stripped him of the World Heavyweight Championship and that Stephanie was right to do it because the fans deserve a fighting champion.
Bryan says that an MRI was done last week and the doctors don’t know what is wrong with him. He could be out for a few weeks, a few months, or could never wrestle again. Daniel Bryan says that the fans deserve people like King Barrett, Dolph Ziggler, and Dean Ambrose fighting for the Intercontinental Title. Daniel Bryan officially relinquishes the Intercontinental Championship. A sea of “THANK YOU DANIEL” chants fills the arena due to uncertainty if we’ll ever see him again.
Daniel then says that they have it all wrong and that he should be thanking us. Daniel thanks the fans and leaves the Intercontinental Championship in the ring. He sadly walks up the ramp and leads the Universe in a YES chant at the top of the ramp and then I wiped a single tear from my eye.
Thank you Daniel. Hope to see you soon.
Triple H berates J&J Security…again.
Poppa Triple H kicks off Raw in front of a rowdy Cincinnati crowd and explains that he’s home now and all the kids have to behave now. Trips demands that Seth Rollins and Kane come down to the ring or he’s going to take away their WiFi away. Seth Rollins says that Kane has to be taken care of while the crowd fills the arena with a “WE WANT AMBROSE” chant. Rollins claims that Kane is jealous of him and that Kane has been trying to sabotage him ever since he got the WWE Championship, so it might be time to take the “old dog out back and put him out of his misery.”
Kane then makes his way to the ring and explains that he may be old, but he WILL grab Rollins by his turkey neck and chokeslam him straight to hell. Daddy H breaks up the boys and says that everyone needs to get back on the same page no matter how annoying Seth Rollins can be at times. Basically, Triple H is yelling at a big brother who has been harassing the new baby sister. Triple H says if Seth Rollins doesn’t walk out of Payback as the WWE Champion then Kane may no longer be needed as the Director of Operations. If things don’t work out for Kane, he always has that concession stand part time gig he can fall back on.
Triple H says all four members of the Fatal Four Way match will compete tonight. Kane will face Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins will face Randy Orton, and J&J Security will face Dean Ambrose. Apparently, if Cincinnati says Ambrose’s name enough, he’ll appear like Beetlejuice.
Harper & Rowan ARE getting back together. Deal with it Taylor Swift.
Luke Harper comes to the ring with Erick Rowan and it seems to be that Harper and Rowan are back on the same page, thankfully. Fandango comes out and tries to take it to Rowan but Rowan makes quick work of him with a spinning kick and a spinebuster. Harper enters the ring and gives Fandango a Clothesline from Hell as a parting gift. Looks like Harper and Rowan are reunited and will be haunting our dreams again. The only question is, will Bray Wyatt be far behind them?? Erick Rowan DEFEATS Fandango.
John Cena VS Neville
The absolute worst thing about these John Cena United States Championship Open Mic Challenge is the tight 5 minute sets he does before each match. Again, do I have to even type what Cena said here? You know what he rambled on about. I know what he rambled on about. Anyways, here comes Neville.
Neville keeps the match fast paced as always and Cena keeps up with him and puts on another great match with an NXT guy for the 2nd week in a row. This is another great match that you should go back and check out if you can because Neville is so much fun to watch! He has the face of a member of the McCalister family from Home Alone, but damn it, he’s fun to watch! Rusev eventually storms the ring and attacks Neville causing a DQ. Neville DEFEATS (via DQ) John Cena.
Cesaro continues to toss around Big E like a doll
Every week, Cesaro looks more and more impressive! Cesaro and Big E have a great match together as these two powerhouses just duke it out. This is the first time in a long time that I can remember enjoying Big E in a match. Cesaro almost kills Big E with a suplex and starts tossing elbows around in the corners. Kofi tries to distract Cesaro but gets caught by Tyson Kidd who then gets caught by Xavier Woods. Cesaro rolls up Big E with the strangest fruit roll up I’ve ever seen and picks up the win! Cesaro DEFEATS Big E.
Alzheimer’s Conspiracy Theorist Bray Wyatt Promo
Bray says that he wishes that he could wake us up from this nightmare. He says that fear is everywhere in our world and that we’re all living in a lie. Wyatt says that Ryback has seen nothing like him before. I think Wyatt really needs Harper and Rowan back. I also think that if Wyatt doesn’t beat Ryback at Payback, then Wyatt is going to be dead in the water. Ryback interrupts Wyatt’s ramblings and the two behemoths start battling it out. Ryback delivers a spinebuster and a meathook clothesline to Wyatt causing Wyatt to leave the ring.
The Rest Of Raw
Dean Ambrose DEFEAT J&J Security: The hometown hero, Dean Ambrose goes buck wild on J&J Security to the crowd’s delight. J&J Security are dressed like every bouncer from every douchebag club in New York City and Dean Ambrose is dressed like me walking into the dive bar next door to the douchey club. Dean Ambrose “is having a good ol’ time” according to Michael Cole while beating the crap out of Noble and Mercury. Ambrose picks up the win after tossing Noble into Mercury and then hitting Dirty Deeds on Noble.
Dolph Ziggler King Barrett (with Sheamus on commentary): King Barrett explains that Neville is a peasant just like Dolph Ziggler and that Ziggler is going to go from a common show off to royal ass kisser. Ziggler starts the match with a Superkick and tries to get the quick pin but Barrett kicks out at two. Ziggler keeps the momentum in his favor until Sheamus distracts Ziggler on the apron and King Barrett capitalizes with a Royal Bull Hammer and steals the victory. Sheamus decides to give a post match beating to Ziggler and leaves Ziggler with a Brogue Kick.
Roman Reigns DEFEATS? Kane: Before Reigns can even get over the barricade, Kane goes on the attack. Kane manhandles Reigns on the outside and gives us a glimpse of the ol’ Kane until Roman Reigns finally delivers a Superman Punch followed by a spear over the announce table. The match never really officially started, but Reigns’ music played after the segment was said and done, so by WWE rules, Roman Reigns wins!
Tamina DEFEATS Brie Bella: Brie Bella’s auto tuned BRIIIIIIIIIIE MOOOOOOODE theme hurts my ears and she tries to battle against a raging Tamina. Tamina looks dominant throughout the entire match and finishes off Brie with a Superkick. Tamina could easily be a dominant powerhouse diva if WWE would let her develop a little bit more. There’s no more Beth Phoenixs, Kharmas, or Chynas, so Tamina could easily slide into that role with a little more character development.
Axelmania MEETS Macho Mandow: I’m kinda upset that Sandow is back to imitating people again because I thought we were over that whole gimmick(s). Thankfully, The Ascension interrupt the match and say that Sandow and Axel aren’t entertaining for trying to be like legends…which is a little ironic coming from The Ascension. Anyways, Mancow and Axel team up to take out The Ascension and Sandow & Axel shake hands to create a shitty reboot of The Mega Powers.
Main Event: Randy Orton DEFEATS Seth Rollins (via DQ): The match itself was solid but the real fireworks started after J&J Security made the save to force the DQ. Kane showed up at ringside with a steel chair just to stand around and watch events unfold. Ambrose and Reigns hit the ring to make the save and all three men hit their finishers on Rollins while Kane just watches from ringside. After dispensing of Rollins, Orton takes a spear from Reigns and Reigns takes a Dirty Deeds from Ambrose and Ambrose is left standing in the ring which is 100% proof he doesn’t walk out of Payback with the belt (in case you thought there was a chance.)