Week 16 of the NFL season was an especially important one for millions of fans out there, as it meant an opportunity for another Fantasy Football chip, the ultimate addition to one’s dating profile — or any profile, really — should they end up prevailing. But since I wasn’t involved, my favorite part of “championship week” was DeAndre Hopkins hauling in just five catches for a measly 23 yards while Daniel Jones went scorched earth, throwing for 352 yards and 5 TDs. So many people got burned by this kind of random shit and I couldn’t be more delighted.
“The biggest game of the year.” Hilarious. No, no, wait. I meant, very sad and upsetting!
Anyway, leading up to Sunday, Antonio Brown somehow managed to up the ante (again) and is more than likely to turn the music world upside down before the year is out.
Looks great. Speaking of greatness, the Patriots continued to own the vaunted AFC East — a division that pretty much gives them an average of 4-6 BYE weeks per season — by winning their 11th straight division title. Yay. But how about Larry Guy? Don’t really know much about Larry Guy, but he vaulted to the top after pulling this little stunt before postgame press conferences began on Saturday:
ANYWAYS, enough of that side chatter and, more importantly, just be happy knowing that no one can complain about fantasy football again until next September, so let’s do what we do best here and take a deep dive into the shitshow we saw off the field during Week 16.
Christian McCaffrey is kicking life’s ass in every which way right now, with the only thing missing being a chance to do his thing in the playoffs. Nonetheless, he’s basically a high fashion version of The Terminator at this point. The term “king” is probably overused and I’m guilty of that, but it’s more than warranted when it comes to CMC.
You’re lying if you’re telling yourself you would never wear chains like Lamar’s if you could get away with it, but you can’t. That “PRESSURE” hoodie is also pretty great. The guy just seems to embrace it all, the doubters, the haters, and all the love. And now the Ravens have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. The whole damn league is officially on notice.
Tom Brady dialing it back a bit and going with the western snap-shirt? OK, OK, I have no problem with that. I still throw a few of those into my rotation every now and then, I’m just thankful TB12 wisely went with a black undershirt because you know Aaron Rodgers would’ve worn a white one had he gone with the same look.
All that’s missing here are a pair of skis and some accompanying poles. But seriously, Hollywood Brown is a fucking badass. NOTE: I badly need those icy shades and I needed them yesterday.
The lack of variety in the weekly offerings from Daniel Jones has become equal parts dumbfounding and hilarious. As Jeff Eisenband observed after getting a peek at Jones entering the stadium earlier in the season: “Me showing up for a Model UN trip in 10th grade.”
That type of comparison couldn’t have been more accurate and that was TEN weeks ago. Not one thing has changed since then and at this point, I find it inspiring, although admittedly not nearly as inspiring as this Danny Dimes dance video. Green Rock in Hoboken will never be the same:
If I’m an Eagles fan, I’m already shitting my pants.
UPDATE: And now Flip Cup with Eli? Oh wow.
Maybe the Eagles would be wise to just stay home.
George Kittle wearing a “Sleigh All Day” Christmas sweater is the least surprising development of the year. The comparisons to GRONK, both on and off the field, are more than valid. One of the very few players where what you see is what you get. There’s zero bullshit or PR filter and that’s exactly why Kittle is the Niners’ magnetic spirit animal.
This right here is the Travis Kelce we’ve been waitin’ on all season. It’s so easy to tell who’s ready for the playoffs and who’s ready to nap for six months.
It was inevitable that Garnder Minshew, firmly entrenched as the starting QB again, would eventually upgrade from jorts and headbands — and good for him — but I do enjoy that his hairstyle and facial hair firmly remain in 1983.
Kyler Murray wants everyone to see everything he’s carrying inside his clear Louis Vuitton bag for reasons that are very much unknown at this time.
Alvin Kamara’s Lil’ Jon impression was second to none.
Holy shit, guys, Aaron Rodgers has sprung to life at just the right time. We’re screwed.
At some point I’m gonna need to know the process in how the Bills social media team chooses these photos of Josh Allen. The dumbfounded fella looks like he’s just been asked who shot both Tupac and Biggie.
An NFC North championship hat going on TOP of the sombrero? You’re a spectacular genius, Aaron Jones.
This is the look of a man with little to offer verbally and of someone who has “they traded up to take me at No. 2, they traded up to take me at No. 2” playing on an endless loop in his head while Simon & Garfunkel viciously blare “The Sounds of Silence” over and over and over. Seems like a blast. And yes, young Mitchell being placed here with his eyes looking down at Patrick Mahomes was very much purposeful. And Deshaun Watson following Mahomes? Also purposeful. Happy Holidays, Chicago!
Here’s exactly what I said about Patrick Mahomes in last week’s installment:
It feels like every week the pregame photos of Patrick Mahomes get more and more dramatic in an unnecessary way.
Here’s what I say this week:
Last week I was 1000% correct.
A quick return to magic like this would be ideal:
When people figure out where they can purchase that “Welcome To Houston” hoodie, it’ll be flying off the shelves. Not really a fan of the sneakers and that’s mostly because they look like socks with aggressive soles attached to them.
For his postgame look, Deshaun went with a Balenciaga sweatshirt that feels like an awesome nod to the Houston Oilers. I’ll go ahead and believe it is, whether it was intentional or not.
Odell Beckham Jr.
Turtleneck SZN has begun to seize so much real estate across the winter menswear landscape that Scarf SZN is nearly extinct. Reel it back in, guys. And make it snappy. This is getting out of control.
Javon Wims has a whopping 12 catches in 10 games during this illustrious Bears season but may I take the liberty of saying WHO GIVES A SHIT? Because this kind of entrance is masterpiece theater. Anyone trying to top a Bears poncho is wasting their time.
The always expressive Gerald McCoy with one of the most complete fits of the week. Every single thing about this getup is sensational, even the turtleneck.
Jags receiver Dede Westbrook wasn’t screwing around this week. Goodness gracious, just look at that glory! Simply put, if you walk into a room wearing that jacket, you own the room and do as you please.
The undeniable spirit of Shaquill Griffin is truly something to behold. If you can’t enjoy this, please leave the country.
Has anyone ever said “party up top, business on the bottom”? Because I’m finding it hard to process DeAndre’s shockingly understated pants. That shit should be florescent, or floral, or something other than this Banana Republic blandness.
Postgame DeAndre, however, returned to fine form thanks to these red-tinted shades from the Samuel L. Jackson Collection.
Hell yes, Jamie Gillan. The ever-so-bold Browns punter, affectionately known as The Scottish Hammer, lived up to his outstanding nickname by rolling up to the stadium in a kilt that is downright screaming for Rowdy Roddy Piper’s entrance music.
Former Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell showed up to MetLife Stadium like he was still Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell. Jets fans are so spoiled.
When you consider the hair and the nose rings, it shocks the living hell outta me that Zeke Elliott chooses to dress more like Randolph and Mortimer rather than guys like D-Hop and Stefon Diggs.
Robert Griffin III?!?
RGIII coming in strong with some unwavering Christmas spirit and looking like he might shatter to a billion pieces after one hit. Judging by whatever’s in that bowl he’s holding, it makes perfect sense. Have a fucking cheeseburger, man.
The Packers towering guard has just ferociously dunked on the world AND got the and-1. It was game ovah’ before it began. Let’s just move on.
Jameis Winston appropriately dressing not too bad but also not too good, like a guy who can’t decide whether he wants to throw a dime or a pick-6 and someone who seems destined for backup duty. Best of luck!
Whether he’s the starter or shamelessly on the bench, Andy Dalton’s hair never wavers. Sadly, it might be the most consistent thing in his arsenal, but as a Hair Guy myself I respect the hell out of it.
This freeze-frame describes just about every Jets season since everyone reading this has been alive. Not a bad jacket though, Sammy. Now get back to the lab and prepare for a shivering stomping in Buffalo for that tables, ladders and chairs match next Sunday.
Don’t care how much this jacket goes for — Juice gets this shit for free anyway — all I can think of is “Big coat! Big coat!”
Saquon with a little bit of a Jedi feel, which makes sense given the release of The Rise of Skywalker as well as the fact he had just finished running all over Washington’s face to the tune of 189 yards.
Love everything about this except for the pants that I’m convinced were stolen from a medium-sized doll. Can’t stress this enough: Worst. Trend. Ever.
Let’s do the rare thing here and go for the glass half full approach by saying at least Baker wore a hat? Yes, at least he wore a hat. Because the disheveled postgame hair look has not served him well this season. And my god, no one in the NFL needs the offseason to come ASAP more than Baker Mayfield, who may or may not be hypnotized here.
But a word of advice and it’s pretty simple: STOP DOING STUPID SHIT.
Matt Ryan is headed to the firm the morning after the big company holiday party in the same clothes from the night before, with the one exception being that he accidentally grabbed someone else’s jacket. Seriously, Matty, ya’ gotta tell your tailor to get his shit together.
In keeping with the stale and endlessly lifeless flare, I present to you the always dazzling and electric Jared Goff. L.A. has really transformed the Rams franchise QB into a fashion-forward beast for the ages.
Do your best to ignore the fact that J.A. opted to go with Phil Leotardo’s old pants and instead concentrate on the brilliance of his winter jacket. If you’re still not seeing the greatness, please take the opportunity to witness this all-world outerwear in the wild.
There’s a very important sentence on Brett Hundley’s Wikipedia page:
On August 29, 2018, Hundley was traded to the Seattle Seahawks for a 6th round pick in the 2019 NFL Draft.
He never played a down for Seattle but on Sunday, Hundley came in for an injured Kyler Murray and played extremely well, making some key plays to cement the win against the Seahawks. Good for him. Anyone wearing a Santa hat when they travel deserves great things.
I rarely if ever hear a thing about Kenny Stills during a Texans game but dammit, the guy is a straight-up assassin off the field. His stylist — or who knows, maybe it’s Kenny himself — is kicking everyone’s ass.
“My grandma and auntie got me this jacket.”
Amazing. Count me in as aboard the Marlon Humphrey hype train. And what an outstanding choice by grandma and auntie.
Kirk Cousins’ Cleats
Pound the beef? Really, Kirk? Immature!
LeSean McCoy & Damien Williams
Two running backs, two completely different approaches, both of which I accept. Though if I had to choose, Damien Williams basically defining the “less is more” look is the ideal vibe.
Jaylon Smith, always one for the details, matched his shades with his suit. Because of course he did.
Pretty fitting that Tyler Higbee arrived in San Francisco appearing to be in such high spirits because the dude ended up having one helluva game, snatching 9 catches for 104 yards and driving Niner fans clinically insane in the process.
Santa hat. Gucci sneakers. ‘Nuff said.
A Gatorade “Ugly Christmas Sweater”? OK, Todd.
A Bunch of Chiefs
All I can see here are the hilariously giant soles on the clown shoes of linebacker Reggie Ragland, who’s standing at far left (as if I needed to point that out). They’re so powerful it’s almost as though Frank Clark’s obscene yellow bowling ball bag, sitting dead center and full of power, isn’t even there.
Speaking of Frank Clark, all I ask is that I’m allowed to borrow his hair for one day. Just one day. After all, it IS the holiday season and being selfless is the reason for the season.
If not for the chunky gold chain, Julio was dangerously close to full IDGAF mode. And who can blame him? The Falcons, in general, have been over ever since blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.
Wearing a hat like that was the difference between this outfit winning and losing.
It’s incredibly sad that Bill Belichick’s short-sleeved hoodies are actually intended to be short-sleeved hoodies. Love him or loathe him, it’s safe to say we all miss the days of The Bill savagely cutting off the sleeves to make a homemade version of a short-sleeved hoodie.
Dak looks like a fierce Bond Villain and that’s a compliment. Additionally, he’s doing great things to change the tone of the heated hate on the Turtleneck Game.
While most of the time kickers aren’t even included — and if they actually are they’re at the very bottom — Michael Dickson’s case is very different since he’s wearing a Seahawks sweater that houses blinking Christmas lights.
It’s confirmed, Brad McManus is the greatest kicker alive and it’s not even remotely close. No one is more proud of their chest hair than the Broncos kicker, who also clearly enjoys flashing Blue Steel.
Preston Smith & Za’Darius Smith
Check out this Smith-themed linebacking duo pulling off the red and black flip flop, and doing so in such a happy manner. Of course they share the same last name.
Those Gucci sneakers, mayyyyyne. Also, that shirt is tremendous and I don’t even know what’s on it.
T.J. Watt matched the black cup to the black zip-up to the black headphones. He’s a true wildman that must be tamed immediately.
I’m almost left without words other than to say SIMPLY OUTSTANDING!
If I wore those bold sneakers, I’d be at least 6’7. Throw in my hair and I’m probably 6’10.
Perhaps the most stylish offensive lineman in all of football. This is so much harder for the big fella to do than it looks.
The caption says “Look good. Feel good.” Clipboard Ty is nothing if not self-aware, as he was wise enough not to finish it with “Play good.”
MANDATORY Additional Photo of Tyrod Taylor: This “stung by jellyfish” sweater from a couple weeks ago deserves some serious laughter and love.
Jets linebacker Jordan Jenkins flashed a bright smile with an air of happiness that I’m not quite sure the world has seen on a member of the New York Jets since Joe Namath won the Super Bowl 136 years ago. Keep up that great positivity, Jordan.
Carlos Dunlap looks so cool, calm and collected, it’s like he’s embarking on an extended vacation, which has pretty much been the case all season since he plays for the beloved 1-14 Bengals.
Running back Kenjon Barner has a stunning 4 carries for 28 yards in nine glorious games for the Falcons this season. None of that matters though, given the presence of that magnificent Oregon Ducks jersey, the Jordans and — most importantly — those Will Farrell “Elf” socks. What a beastly ensemble.
Once again, as I can’t say this enough, when an offensive lineman like La’el Collins — a guy who stands 6’5 and weighs well over 300 pounds — rises to the occasion when it comes to their fit game, it’s difficult to do anything other than stand and applaud.
Haven’t gotten a chance to talk about Ramon Foster aka The Big Ragu all season long, so now is the time. He’s always been a lovable character ever since this seminal moment in 2017.
What a gift and what a shocking glow-up.
Cam Jordan’s custom Air Jordan 1 cleats were as great as one might expect if they know anything about Cam Jordan.
As the kids say, apparently Brett Hundley’s been stuntin’ all season. Nice to see him finally get some shine this week.